I didn't want to marry 25w

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I thought there was something wrong for me for many, many years. 

This photo was taken at my going away party in 2001 before I moved to New York City. I was 29 years old and many of my friends were settling down in Seattle.

After years of intense adulting - the kids, autoimmune disease at age 17, serious relationships, all I wanted to do was have FUN and WORK. 

Looking back, I feel shame that I ran away from commitment so many times. On the other hand, I knew I wasn’t mature or ready for anything serious so at least I didn’t drag anyone into my mess. 

I’m only just beginning to understand the *why* behind many of those decisions now due to deep work in therapy.

Also, I’m well aware that my options are limited. In 2018. It feels like 1850 under this administration.

Is it so wrong that I wanted to conquer the world on my own?

Is it so wrong that I didn’t want to spend decades with the same person?

Is it so wrong that I wanted to see if I could make it in the business world without a fallback income? 

I know myself! If I had another income to rely on, I’d get lazy! No question. 

I need that fire.

But that fire might have burned my insides out.

It’s taking me so long to untangle who I really am. I’m only now releasing the conditioning that something is *wrong* with me for wanting an unconventional life. I believed the brain-washing about myself: I must have ISSUES!

Well, yeah, I definitely have issues. Because I’m human. And we all have issues. Nobody is exempt. At least I know and own mine now, and try my best.

But I don’t think wanting to forge my own path is an *issue* - I think trying to stifle it GAVE me issues!

Fortunately, the world has been changing a lot the last 20 years. It just takes awhile to release old conditioning. When I write these stories it’s like I’m cutting loose another suitcase that’s been dragging behind me for years. Snip. Bye bye baggage.

It’s good to work through it. Because I don’t want old crap holding me back in *any* part of my life. 

I just don’t want to HAVE to do anything. Nobody WANTS to be FORCED into a relationship out of fear of dying from lack of medical treatment! It’s a horrible feeling.

Yet under this administration. In this body…. 

Those assholes in DC just make me feel more rebellious. No, dammit, I can figure something out. I will exploit my own story, hell I’ll exploit my own BODY, in the hopes that I can somehow make a living as a writer - work I can do from the bathroom! I mean it when I say E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G I do is focused around my survival. 

I also have another nagging fear. That if I try to escape this writer road, more bad things will happen. 

My back-up plan was always to get a corporate job and settled down with a nice hunk. I actually moved to San Diego - where people are very cool with the bohemian style to live together long-term but not marry which jives with me much more than the ring and paper business - with that intention. 

Then I got 3 cancers at once. 

And before that, melanoma. 

Every time I try to get off this strange, weird road, my health worsens. 

But then I get scared. I get more scared of more cancer and illness than I do of propelling myself forward into the public eye as a disabled artist. The more I do my writing…well, four years now…knock on wood.

Plus, I have an opportunity here. A platform that can help people. How can I let my anxious, neurotic side hold that back? I can’t. 

I refuse to let all my pain be in vain. 

So I’m leaning in now. I’m about to announce next projects. I’m about to give myself a new hair-do. 

I’m about to re-invent myself. Again.

I’m not going to hold back at all this time. Which is terrifying! FUCK so scary.

On the other hand, I’ve already been to hell and back so many times. How hard can this be?

Maybe in this next chapter I’ll be a super outspoken sex educator? It’s on the table. Because I think it’s awesome when people that are a great fit get together. I’ve actually helped a lot of couples get together! I’m not against marriage or love or romance at all. I just don’t like when there is some forced formula or shaming for being *different*. I think it sounds like a blast to create a healthier world where people feel like they can be free to explore who they really are.

That gives me courage. 

For now, though, I focus on working through my own stuff.

As for the next chapter?

We shall see….we’ll be finding that out together!!!