I became a bitch 26w

 I'm not sure when this photo was taken but around this age. And OMG I just realized that’s a fax machine in back!!

I'm not sure when this photo was taken but around this age. And OMG I just realized that’s a fax machine in back!!

I was nearly raped by someone I’d known since I was 13 around the time I moved to New York City at age 29. 

Since my friend and I knew him, it felt safe to go back to a mutual friend’s house late at night with him and a couple of our guy friends.

I said what I often say to a new date to protect myself: no sex but we can mess around. 

I set very clear boundaries before going back to a house with a good girlfriend and three guys I'd know for 17 years? It felt like the safest possible scenario. 

And ended up being the worst.

He took off my clothes fast which I was NOT okay with. Everyone close to me knows I'm a big maker-outer. Safe, fun, no risk. But I was so wasted. And tired. I could barely resist. I just remember feeling like his hands were everywhere and I kept moving mine to keep his away from me. My good fortune was he either passed out or gave up. 

Why do so many men treat our bodies like toys they can play with however they want? WHY.

I get why so MANY women freeze. Our brains are adjusting from "this is a nice guy" to "what the fuck is happening?" I think I wrestled so much as a kid with boys that my response was literally muscle memory. I really do. Lots of animals freeze under attack. Yet, human women are blamed for their biological reaction.

It was SO unexpected because I really thought he was a “nice guy.” I found out later he had a *reputation* - the slimiest ones are often the best at hiding their creepiness. 

They fool even the most cynical women. 

I remember wanting to pass out so bad. But that same part of me that keeps me fighting now said GET UP. GET YOUR ASS UP AND GET DRESSED AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

I knew if I didn’t leave, I’d wake up with an unwanted penis inside of me. 

It felt nearly impossible, but I pulled myself up, put my clothes back on and luckily only had to walk back to my friends house where my girlfriend had gone earlier. I don't think I had a cellphone! So dangerous. 

We were so alone back then. In the night. Hoping we wouldn’t get attacked on the way home from being attacked. 

A Man's World is a terrifying haunted house. We never know when someone we trust will leer at us, grab at us, betray us. Being a women of color, wearing religious garb, trans, gay, being disabled, mentally challenged, the horror level exponentially increases.

I know some people would say “oh you’ve always been a bitch Julie Negrin!”

Sure, yes, I agree. I’ve always had an edge. I've always had a mouth on me. 

But after this incident which coincided with my move to the east coast, I realized my SURVIVAL depended on this edge.

I couldn’t afford to be soft in a cruel world. If I was going to traverse the world without a man, at only five feet tall - much shorter than most people realize - and a way weaker immune system than most people realize, I had to get New York City tough. 

Full throttle Bitch. 

That Bitch has kept me safe while traveling the world on my own. Has gotten me far in man's work world. Has protected innocent people. 

That Bitch is why I'm still alive in our fucked up medical system. 

I know how to modulate it now at least. Even hungry and cranky. Most of the time!

My hope now is to leverage it, instead of push it down so much so it leaks out unexpectedly. USE IT with my sense of humor to ENTERTAIN. 

If I only have 36? 48? months left on this planet, I want to help in some way.

I’ve been so scared to let my Badass Self be the one to steer my ship online. The trolls are vicious. 

Then I read about the missing kids and that was it. Whatever hesitation was still left, disappeared. I know human trafficking is nothing new. 

It was completely different reading about how this administration didn’t give a fuck. 

I’ll be wrapping this set of 30 #metoo stories up soon which means a new tattoo.

I’ll be announcing a podcast soon (yes!). And I'm also gathering my courage to share more of my medical story / daily life on YouTube. 

I'm ready to use humorous storytelling to make a difference in this twisted world.

Plus, sharing my story more publicly will be my best chance at finding resources to stay alive.

Once again, that brave Bitch helps me survive. 

And to the creep that nearly raped me in California all those years ago: fuck you. 

That’s my superpower now. This voice. This Bitch. This keyboard.

The kids need me. And I'll do anything for the kids. Tolerate the trolls.

Even tell the world about my pooping problems. That's how much I love them.

It is time.

The Bitch is back. And ready to rumble.