I drank to forget story 11w

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I like to party. The first I got drunk I was with a friend from high school in my parents basement. I loved it. 

My head was always too full of questions, ideas, stories, confusion, irritations. And the booze helped it disappear.

I was starting to notice how men looked at me. Not boys my age. But MEN, eyeing me up and down, ogling my red hair, my breasts. 

We live in a world where a DOCTOR is allowed to FINGER little girls up until a few years ago so you can imagine that men didn't feel a need to hold back in the 1980s.

My comfort and feeling of safety did not matter.

Alcohol helped me forget that my comfort and safety did not matter.

I wasn’t a hit with the guys in high school. I mean, I had a ton of guy friends. But I wasn’t asked out. 

I’m the same way I am now - a little too loud, a little too mouthy. I’ve never been able to hold back my personality. 

If I didn’t like a guy, I was fine - super cool Jules. If I had a crush on someone? Total disaster. 

Alcohol helped me become braver! It made me bolder. It helped me flirt!

It helped take the edge off a complete stranger dragging his hand across my back. 

I remember getting set up on a date with a really nice, normal guy - common thing in the Jewish community. This was my late twenties.

He was so cute, normal, funny. At that point in my life, I was more nervous than when I was younger! I'd seen too much (or, maybe I sabotage). I got wasted and of course, never heard from him again.

I messed up so many things due to nerves and insecurity. Alcohol FELT like it helped. Sometimes it did. A lot of times, it just made a mess. 

But I get why I did it. 

I drank to forget.

Forget that I was a second class citizen. Forget that at any moment, a fun flirty moment could turn into a terrifying, violent situation. 

Forget that my body didn’t belong to me. Forget that there was no justice for my friends that had been raped / assaulted.

Men, can you imagine that for a second? Just try as hard as you can to think about that: we knew that if we were hurt, nothing would be done about it.

The more marginalized we are, the more this is true. 

Do you think we'd know Brock Turner's name if he'd raped a women of color? No way. 

Dozens of powerful women with so much money and fame are stepping forward and people are STILL trying to deny what they are saying. 

Even women are.

The Patriarchy’s hold on our culture is so strong. It’s hard to imagine letting go of a social construct that feels like second nature - if that social culture benefits you.

In so many ways, I’ve privileged from it - white Jewish woman with access to education and powerful contacts. No doubt.

But I hate it. I grew up around women who talked about it, who were super smart and tough. I saw too much.

And let me assure you, when you realize that you live in a world where it’s unsafe - and I shudder to think of what it would feel like to wonder if my black son was going to make it home each night, I think about it all the time, what if that were my boys and the police could just kill them and drag them away with no justice? - alcohol helps dull the frustration.

Our culture is sick. Any culture that allows little girls and women are disposable objects that can be touched, legislated, impregnated, and tossed aside by a dumpster after shoving pine cones in a vagina - because that vagina is his play toy, right, not attached to a HUMAN BEING with FEELINGS - and serving only three months in jail for that - THREE MONTHS. 

Because the judge didn’t want to ruin HIS life. 

Brock Fucking Turner. Internet Jail, at least, means an employer, future girlfriend, anyone, will know what he did.

I love Internet Jail. It’s how this whole Movement started. 

Maybe this next generation of girls won’t feel like they have to get drunk in order to tolerate the world they live in.

Just maybe. One brick at a time. Maybe we’ll smash the patriarchy. And women everywhere, whether black, brown, disabled, trans, gay, bi, *every* women can finally feel safe.

I can’t imagine that world. But I’d love to live long enough to see it.

[[I stopped drinking regularly when I was diagnosed with the melanoma - because an organism like me has to be overly cautious and careful - but I do enjoy a gluten-free beer once in awhile which I enjoy immensely. If you think alcohol is impacting your life in ways that you want to change, I recommend stepping into an AA meeting. You can say nothing, just check it out, see if it's your jam. It's a start. Alcoholism is a pervasive problem in our society. But it doesn't have to be.]]