I want a job

I want a job. I want to wake up, complain about waking up, turn off my alarm because it’s too early, and get dressed for a job. I want to put on my black work pants and a shirt appropriate for work. I want to stuff my breakfast down without thinking. Get in the car, already exhausted from imagining the day ahead, turn on the radio and sip my homemade coconut chai drink while navigating traffic. Traffic! I want to complain about traffic, my commute, how bad it is in Seattle now.

I want to get out of my car and roll my eyes at the flood of emails I’ve already gotten about a meeting that has been re-scheduled a million times. I want to roll into the office, smile at my friends, notice the stale baked goods in the lunch room, ignore the person that keeps trying to get me to join an after-work group, and hunker down in my cube. I want to stare out the window briefly wishing I was still in bed, knitting and watching my dumb TV shows. I want to turn back to my computer, adjust my keyboard and start typing out the first of many emails trying to get a handle on my workload.

I want to sit in a meeting bored out of my mind, texting my co-worker while trying to look interested in budgets. I want to wish it was the end of the day already. I want go back to my desk and laugh at my cube mate’s story about her/his weekend debacles.

I want to secretly, not so secretly, look through airfares for my next trip, somewhere new. Somewhere hot for the sunshine, some beach. I want to have a trip to look forward to and an excuse to buy new clothes. I want to make plans to order lunch because I’m too busy to go out. I want to order a salad with lots and lots of fiber. I want to eat beans. Feta cheese. Beets. Avocado for fun, not because it’s caloric and keeps me full. I want to pretend to debate which salad dressing to get (duh, balsamic vinaigrette every time). I want to mindlessly eat my salad while half working on my computer and half joining in the impromptu conversation started near my cube.

I want to forget to chew my food. I want to forget to enjoy my food.

I want to be like everyone else, sitting at their cube, complaining about their job, their boss, their benefits, their life.

I want to be like everyone else and order food without thinking twice.

I want to be like everyone else and finish the long day debating whether I should go to happy hour or the gym. I want to do both.

I want to go to the gym and sweat without worrying about becoming dehydrated. I want to go a bar with my friends and drink without worrying about becoming dehydrated. I want to nibble on the french fries my co-worker orders and laugh at her jokes while we eye the cute bartender. I want to have fun again. I want to wake up the next day slightly hungover and annoyed with myself for not going to the gym and eating too many fries. I want to promise myself that I will work out that evening.

I want to be annoyed about normal things. I want to be sad about normal things. I want to be frustrated by the parking ticket on my windshield. Or my boss. Or the president.

All while getting direct deposit checks into my account every two weeks.

I want a job.

[disclaimer: i can’t really do a job, this is not a request to hire me – it’s just what i wish for today…also i know that i’m oversimplifying what “normal” life is and that everyone’s got their shit, this is just the writing that wanted to come out of me today]