Food scares me 4.8.19

Food scares me 4.8.19

There was a guy eating French fries and drinking a milkshake near my friend and I while we got tea at Whole Foods yesterday. He did it so casually. There was another woman eating her salad while staring at her phone. I can’t help but stare.

I’m still thinking about their casual eating long after they probably have.

What is it like to not be able to eat hardly anything? I’m sure people wonder. I haven’t shared much about it mostly because it’s incredibly painful.

For anyone new to my life, I used to be a cooking teacher and nutrition educator. I spent years developing recipes, menus, and curriculum for adults and kids.

I used to spend all day thinking about food, buying it, preparing it, teaching it, and eating it.

Now? I spend all day thinking about the few foods I can eat and which ones I can get away with it.

The saddest part about all this is that I actually love healthy food.

I grew up in a mostly meat and potatoes household like most Americans in the 70s and 80s. My dad has always been a health-nut so we moved over to chicken and fish earlier than most. His parents - my grandparents - were into juicing. My Bubby, his mom and the woman we all got the Lynch Syndrome from (thanks Bubby!) made her own yogurt.

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I went to the dentist 4.3.19

I went to the dentist 4.3.19

It happened.

I knew it was coming. I ran into an old friend - we’ve known each other so long I can’t remember when we met, adolescence - and I didn’t get the “you look good.”

Granted, as soon as she said “Julie!” I fell into her arms like a kid. I just feel so safe with her, and I do things like that now, not necessarily socially acceptable “normal” things.

I chatted with her for a few minutes and felt so happy I got to see her and her lovely husband and kid.

They said nothing about my outside which is unusual these days.

When I got home, I looked in the mirror and realized that my hips are gone. I mean, they are still there! But not the way they’ve been for most of my adult life. I’ve always had hips! My frame is noticeable different.

This is a tough one for me to talk about because so many people struggle with body image issues and consider weight loss a “good” thing.

But for me? Shrinking is not the goal!

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Have I lost eggs? 3.12.19

Have I lost eggs? 3.12.19

I don’t know if I can find the words to share my terror. I keep thinking about people who are told they only have a matter of months left. I think about what that would REALLY feel like. For the first time ever, I can step into that fear and see it from that perspective. When I empathize or try to understand someone’s position, I try to actually shift into the perspective of their world. I can’t always do it. Sometimes my emotions get in the way of trying to feel what THEY would be feeling.

I’ve never been this scared before. Ever.

I can’t lose eggs. I know I can get them in me still. But they used to be safer than they are now. What is going on inside of me?!?!?!?!?!?? What the FUCK? And why is it taking so damn long

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