I like feeling really strong 4.28.19

I like feeling really strong 4.28.19

I wear an extra small now.

I loathe even writing that.

It’s weird to have something that so many people want so badly - or think they want - and to hate it.

I opened this Athleta catalogue - I’m not sure how I even started receiving it since I never shop there - but I like looking through the workout clothes. I’ve got to let go of the past and give away - no THROW AWAY, they are sooooo old - my old workout clothes. The pants literally slide off my hips now! What the fuck!? I’ve had hips since I was 16 and no amount of healthy eating or workouts has changed that.

Until now.

Now that “society” is finally embracing super strong looking women like the ones in this photo - and women of color woot! - I’m turning into this frail little lady. ARRRRGGGGHHHH! It’s like seeing gluten-free waffle cones at a vegan ice cream place - all the foods I love and can eat are EVERYWHERE and I can NOT EAT THEM.

My timing sucks.

As I’ve mentioned in here before, I’ve never aspired to be waif-y thin. I’m trying to remember when my ideas around that started forming. I feel really lucky I didn’t obsess about my body shape much when I was young.

I was WAY more concerned with

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I got out of the house 3.2.19

I had a weird day yesterday March 2nd. I’m writing this the next day - I have to be transparent about that - my brain can’t do the usual social media organizing, writing ahead, post this then blah blah blah. I don’t care about any of that anymore. Couldn’t care less about the number of followers, all that bullshit. I never really did. I just have to post and write and say what I need to post and write and say. It’s strange to me that people think I WOULD care.

My needs and wants are relatively simple these days: I want to be able to eat, shit and stay alive.

It was a decent day - I got out of bed and wanted to be in the sunshine so I went to Capitol Hill to get some vegan ice cream from Sugar Plum. It’s an awesome little plant-based dessert place. The young woman was super interesting to chat with.

When I’ve been cooped up and in bed for days, I’ll run a really basic errand to stay connected to the outer world. I never know when I’ll have energy so it makes it challenging to make plans with people. Plus engaging is tiring, so if I’m not in the mood to chat, I can run the errand, feel productive and go home. Sometimes I want a little conversation.

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