Am I still a good friend? 4.13.19

Am I still a good friend? 4.13.19

I worry I’m not a good friend anymore. It’s something I’ve always prided myself on. Being a stalwart companion. Loyal to a fault (found out later, this is a hallmark of codependency - staying in situations that are harmful for too long but that’s not what this post is about!). I didn’t pair off, so my friendships have always meant the world to me. I ADORE MY FRIENDS. They are my family.

I want to treat them so well!

Now? I forget things. I never know how I will feel the days I’m going to hang out with friends. I try to stay on top of my correspondence but as I share more of my medical story, I’m concerned this will get more and more difficult to do. Corresponding is actually quite taxing, especially these days.. I’m trying to figure out a way to have someone help me with all that. The healthy side of me knows I could be missing important medical advice. The unhealthy codependent side of me is worried I’m upsetting people by not writing them back!

I’m under such pressure right now. I have to make the right decisions at the right time or…I won’t make it. It’s a pressure I don’t wish upon anyone (ok, ok, I WOULD wish this upon Mitch McConnell..grrrrrrrrrr, what a dream it would be to take THAT man down).

How do I juggle fighting for the IV nutrients that I desperately

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The long week is over 4.12.19

The long week is over 4.12.19

I’m definitely feeling better mentally than I have in awhile. We got best case scenario news about my dad - though he is far from out of the woods - which is a huge relief. I can’t think straight when I’m worried about him! It’s not just my dad that I’m worried about - also, he is a main caregiver and of course, we share the Lynch so if he is struggling…I can’t help but wonder: is that my future?

It’s nerve-wracking to live with a ticking time bomb buried in my DNA. People get so excited that I’ve made it five years since surgery. But the longer I go without another cancer, the more nervous I get. When will it happen again? What will it be? Will they catch it in time?

On top of that, not being able to eat much sends me down a more urgent anxiety spiral.

People wonder all the time how I handle all of this.

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