Do I go to Boston? 4.22.19

Do I go to Boston? 4.22.19

I wondered what I was up to a year ago and found this photo in my phone. It’s from Earth Day 2018! I can’t believe that was only one year ago.

I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be around in another year. Or, if I am, what my health will look like.

There is this low-level terror that I’ve been living with for so long - it’s hard to convey in words. I can smile and laugh, look put together, but underneath, I’m constantly on edge. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a constant monologue running in my head about my health.

Should I give myself another IV bag now? Or one later? Can I get away with eggs today? Should I email that doctor again or wait? Is the trip to Boston too much at this time? Can I make it if I’m still not on TPN at that time? Will the trip be worth it? Will it be too hot there? Should I start bringing men to my doctor appointments or will they still not listen? Should I try for Stanford hospital first since it’s nearby? Should I keep trying new GI docs here? What was that pain just now? Why can’t I get to an MD who will help me? Is this everywhere or is it especially bad here in Seattle? How sick will they let me get before intervening?

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