Do I go to Boston? 4.22.19

Do I go to Boston? 4.22.19

I wondered what I was up to a year ago and found this photo in my phone. It’s from Earth Day 2018! I can’t believe that was only one year ago.

I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be around in another year. Or, if I am, what my health will look like.

There is this low-level terror that I’ve been living with for so long - it’s hard to convey in words. I can smile and laugh, look put together, but underneath, I’m constantly on edge. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a constant monologue running in my head about my health.

Should I give myself another IV bag now? Or one later? Can I get away with eggs today? Should I email that doctor again or wait? Is the trip to Boston too much at this time? Can I make it if I’m still not on TPN at that time? Will the trip be worth it? Will it be too hot there? Should I start bringing men to my doctor appointments or will they still not listen? Should I try for Stanford hospital first since it’s nearby? Should I keep trying new GI docs here? What was that pain just now? Why can’t I get to an MD who will help me? Is this everywhere or is it especially bad here in Seattle? How sick will they let me get before intervening?

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Am I still a good friend? 4.13.19

Am I still a good friend? 4.13.19

I worry I’m not a good friend anymore. It’s something I’ve always prided myself on. Being a stalwart companion. Loyal to a fault (found out later, this is a hallmark of codependency - staying in situations that are harmful for too long but that’s not what this post is about!). I didn’t pair off, so my friendships have always meant the world to me. I ADORE MY FRIENDS. They are my family.

I want to treat them so well!

Now? I forget things. I never know how I will feel the days I’m going to hang out with friends. I try to stay on top of my correspondence but as I share more of my medical story, I’m concerned this will get more and more difficult to do. Corresponding is actually quite taxing, especially these days.. I’m trying to figure out a way to have someone help me with all that. The healthy side of me knows I could be missing important medical advice. The unhealthy codependent side of me is worried I’m upsetting people by not writing them back!

I’m under such pressure right now. I have to make the right decisions at the right time or…I won’t make it. It’s a pressure I don’t wish upon anyone (ok, ok, I WOULD wish this upon Mitch McConnell..grrrrrrrrrr, what a dream it would be to take THAT man down).

How do I juggle fighting for the IV nutrients that I desperately

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