I can't think straight 4.16.19

I can't think straight 4.16.19

I didn’t buy the beet infused yogurt shown in the photo. I don’t know why. It would be good to try to get the beet nutrients as well as the fat and protein in the yogurt in this body. I’ve decided, I’m going to get it next time I’m at this store.

It’s just that I have so much fear around food now! It’s so frustrating to feel this way after years of enjoying so much incredible food during my culinary career.

When I had the inflammatory bowel disease in my twenties, I also had a lot of fear around food. This is not a surprise! Pain will certainly cause aversion to foods. At this point in my life, if I even look at hot macaroni and cheese - my system has never done well with hot cheese and wheat long before the 2014 surgery - my stomach clenches.

It’s not easy for people newly diagnosed with inflammatory bowel disease to omit foods from their diet. But I always encourage them to give it a try. Often, they feel so much better off certain foods that they tell me they feel the same way when they think about eating something that causes pain. Not worth it.

There were so many things I could

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I am scared for TPN 4.14.19

I am scared for TPN 4.14.19

I don’t take a lot of photos when the pain is really bad. I also don’t like taking a lot of photos when my weight is down. It’s sunk down several times over the last couple of years but I managed to pull it back up.

The reason I took all those professional photos last year was because I liked my weight then and worried I wouldn’t be able to keep it there.

This could change when I’m on TPN (Total parenteral nutrition “is a method of feeding that bypasses the gastrointestinal tract. Fluids are given into a vein to provide most of the nutrients the body needs. The method is used when a person cannot or should not receive feedings or fluids by mouth.” - Google)

One of my registered dietitian friends - I have a lot of them because I’ve been in the field for so many years - has been recommending TPN for a long time because it bypasses the gut and gives nutrients entirely through the IV to the blood.

It has sounded terrifying for the past year or so when she has been advocating for it. The main risk is liver toxicity from long-term use. It could mean blowing out my PICC line more often as well. I’m sure there are other risks, but I don’t do a lot of medical research on the Internet anymore.

For two reasons:

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Am I still a good friend? 4.13.19

Am I still a good friend? 4.13.19

I worry I’m not a good friend anymore. It’s something I’ve always prided myself on. Being a stalwart companion. Loyal to a fault (found out later, this is a hallmark of codependency - staying in situations that are harmful for too long but that’s not what this post is about!). I didn’t pair off, so my friendships have always meant the world to me. I ADORE MY FRIENDS. They are my family.

I want to treat them so well!

Now? I forget things. I never know how I will feel the days I’m going to hang out with friends. I try to stay on top of my correspondence but as I share more of my medical story, I’m concerned this will get more and more difficult to do. Corresponding is actually quite taxing, especially these days.. I’m trying to figure out a way to have someone help me with all that. The healthy side of me knows I could be missing important medical advice. The unhealthy codependent side of me is worried I’m upsetting people by not writing them back!

I’m under such pressure right now. I have to make the right decisions at the right time or…I won’t make it. It’s a pressure I don’t wish upon anyone (ok, ok, I WOULD wish this upon Mitch McConnell..grrrrrrrrrr, what a dream it would be to take THAT man down).

How do I juggle fighting for the IV nutrients that I desperately

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