Fucking fake cheesecake 5.4.19

Fucking fake cheesecake 5.4.19

I had a lot of dreams last night. I used to always have a lot of dreams. But now I take so many herbal concoctions in order to sleep, I rarely remember if I’ve had them, let alone the details.

I haven’t talked about all my sleeping problems. That’s for another day.

One of the dreams I had last night, I was dying my hair and it was long again. It was should length. I was annoyed the entire time because I couldn’t get they dye to evenly distribute in my hair (I’ve been dying and cutting my own hair for years - I would have become a hair stylist in another life).

I remember thinking: ugh I wish I had short hair again, this is such a pain in the ass!

People have been asking me to help interpret their dreams for years. I love it. And NO I don’t go by the goofy interpretations you can find online. I talk about how the dream is significant in the person’s life.

I would guess this has to do with my unconscious toying with the idea of going back to some of my old ways, or at least revisiting the old me.

Hair represents the feminine in so many ways. It’s interesting because

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I like feeling really strong 4.28.19

I like feeling really strong 4.28.19

I wear an extra small now.

I loathe even writing that.

It’s weird to have something that so many people want so badly - or think they want - and to hate it.

I opened this Athleta catalogue - I’m not sure how I even started receiving it since I never shop there - but I like looking through the workout clothes. I’ve got to let go of the past and give away - no THROW AWAY, they are sooooo old - my old workout clothes. The pants literally slide off my hips now! What the fuck!? I’ve had hips since I was 16 and no amount of healthy eating or workouts has changed that.

Until now.

Now that “society” is finally embracing super strong looking women like the ones in this photo - and women of color woot! - I’m turning into this frail little lady. ARRRRGGGGHHHH! It’s like seeing gluten-free waffle cones at a vegan ice cream place - all the foods I love and can eat are EVERYWHERE and I can NOT EAT THEM.

My timing sucks.

As I’ve mentioned in here before, I’ve never aspired to be waif-y thin. I’m trying to remember when my ideas around that started forming. I feel really lucky I didn’t obsess about my body shape much when I was young.

I was WAY more concerned with

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I got labs at home 4.5.19

I got labs at home 4.5.19

Have I mentioned yet how much my family appreciates nurses?

They are the unsung heroes of the medical world, FOR SURE. I’ve been having home nurses come to my house for almost two years now. They changed the bandage on whatever needle is in me - well, when I had a port in my chest, they had to put in a NEW needle. This is one of the reasons I prefer the PICC line - I don’t have to get poke every week. It sucks because I don’t get that ONE night where I get to sink into the bath and I never get to go swimming.

But really, these days, that feels like a small loss. And I LOVE swimming and taking lovely baths!

In the grand scheme of things, I can’t worry about that now. It’s interesting how something that sounds SO hard to lose happens, and over time, I get used to it.

I got my labs drawn by my home nurse this morning WHILE I WAS IN BED. Do you know how incredibly dreamy this is? The stress of trying to GET to my healthcare is a large portion of my stress. Driving, parking, navigating new buildings, getting lost, feeling stressed, paying for parking, forgetting where I’m driving…. So much of it makes my life hard.

That’s why having drivers lately has been absolutely fucking amazing.

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