I like feeling really strong 4.28.19

I like feeling really strong 4.28.19

I wear an extra small now.

I loathe even writing that.

It’s weird to have something that so many people want so badly - or think they want - and to hate it.

I opened this Athleta catalogue - I’m not sure how I even started receiving it since I never shop there - but I like looking through the workout clothes. I’ve got to let go of the past and give away - no THROW AWAY, they are sooooo old - my old workout clothes. The pants literally slide off my hips now! What the fuck!? I’ve had hips since I was 16 and no amount of healthy eating or workouts has changed that.

Until now.

Now that “society” is finally embracing super strong looking women like the ones in this photo - and women of color woot! - I’m turning into this frail little lady. ARRRRGGGGHHHH! It’s like seeing gluten-free waffle cones at a vegan ice cream place - all the foods I love and can eat are EVERYWHERE and I can NOT EAT THEM.

My timing sucks.

As I’ve mentioned in here before, I’ve never aspired to be waif-y thin. I’m trying to remember when my ideas around that started forming. I feel really lucky I didn’t obsess about my body shape much when I was young.

I was WAY more concerned with

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Something is not right 4.2.19

Something is not right 4.2.19

The pain was bad last night. I hate when the pain is bad throughout the night. I wake up a lot and don’t sleep well. I tried eating four eggs yesterday and it did NOT go well. That’s the first time I’ve tried to eat four eggs at in one day since before Feb 15 or thereabouts. That’s when I left for San Diego.

I thought since because I had an extra visceral massage on Sunday that maybe I could get away with it. Also, I was hungry! I was super hungry yesterday which is always a good sign. Today, no appetite. Don’t want to put anything in my stomach. I should have done two bags of IV fluids yesterday - that would have helped - but I ran out of tubing and had only one left. I wanted to save it for TODAY’S visceral massage with Caroline. We discovered that if I give myself a bag while she works on my belly then she’s able to move my tissue more easily and open things up.

Visceral massage, if you’re wondering, is when specially trained massage therapists move the intestines around by massaging the belly and the back. It can be very subtle work - they are trained to know how to “pull apart” the intestines that are sticking together most often due

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