I miss my dad 7.28.19

I miss my dad 7.28.19

I miss my dad.

Hurts my heart. I think I wrote in here that it literally hurts. A tightness in my chest and literal pain.

I can go out and act normal for awhile but then it hits me like a sledge hammer.

I am never going to see my dad again.

I have so many questions!

Somehow. Though exhausted, I dragged my ass to the running store yesterday that was on the way home from Bothell where my class was. I walk so much that I wear out my shoes quickly.

My dad taught me that. Running - and in my case, walking - shoes should be replaced very 400 miles. My feet were aching the last time I walked so I forced myself to go even though I hadn’t eaten eggs in a couple of days, and was very hungry. I almost get so hungry, I’m not hungry.

It’s weird. Hard to explain to somebody who has never experienced hunger, real hunger, for a long time.

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Very tired today brain sputtering 7.26.19

Very tired today brain sputtering 7.26.19

Sometimes at night, when I’m doing my routine, and on the freaking hamster treadmill, trying to jiggle my sluggish intestines so they’ll do their job, I’ll work on a podcast.

Now that I don’t have curtains on the windows, I’m a little more wary of this. It’s taken me awhile to get organized. Tasks like that take me weeks and weeks. I have to find that random 45 minutes to run to Target. I tried looking online but I’m not a great online shopper. I’m still old-school. Also, my mom is a very talented seamstress, so I spent a good portion of my childhood playing in fabric stores.

I like to feel the fabric. Think about how it will look. Hard to do that on a little screen!

I’m fully capable of installing my own curtain rods. I’ve done it in many apartments. I thoroughly enjoyed my last apartment in San Diego for many reasons but a big one was having handy men on-site! Of course, I always enjoy hanging with the people that work with their hands. I was very good friends with the people who cleaned my kitchen at my director job at the JCC. Higher ups were always asking me: how did you * get * so and so to do X?

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None of it feels real 6.11.19

None of it feels real 6.11.19

I keep thinking it’s not real. This can’t be happening. Not to my strong dad.

I couldn’t find the garbage can liners. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal. But my dad was asleep and my mom has no idea. My dad does a ton of the house management. This place is HUGE. I’ve always lived in small places and been fine with it. I’d even be open to a tiny house. Less to furnish, clean and heat, is what I figure.

My mom wanted to move years ago but my dad refused. She always said: if he can take care of the house, then fine.

Now, we’re left scrambling to figure out how to create entirely new systems for everything. Someone has to drag the heavy garbage and recycling bins to the end of the alley (the trucks ruin the alley road so everyone agreed to do this). The boxes from Amazon, etc. usually get taken to his warehouse by him. All these little things.

I’d rather not use liners. I’m on the look-out for compostable ones at the very least. I’ve become a little bit obsessive about reducing my waste. It’s clearly something that I can focus SOME control over. I’ve always been very proud of my carbon footprint. I didn’t own a car for years. The one I drive now is a hybrid. I’ve always been good about recycling. I learn which numbers mean what in each new city.

The guy I was with in San Diego used to live in the desert so he encouraged me to more careful about water. My one thing that I’ve always indulged in is long showers and baths.

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