It was a magical weekend 5.20.19

It was a magical weekend 5.20.19

did it! I had a fantastic weekend and felt ok physically and mentally!

This is a HUGE relief. If I couldn’t do a short road trip in my area, I was afraid my world would shrink even more than it already has.

Just thinking about that terrifies. I had a lot of safety precautions in place, just in case.

But all went well.

On the drive home, I was actually sad to be heading back. I didn’t care that I was sitting in traffic in Tacoma! That’s how happy I was to be out of the cocoon.

Out of respect for the community that has graciously welcomed me into their fold, I won’t be sharing any specific details about what went on during the weekend.

What I can share is that it was an incredibly healing experience. This photo was taken after I did an ancient ritual. My entire outfit is soaked in sweat here! And I’m very pale, but I did remarkably well given the situation. (Women wear skirts so I borrowed my friend’s skirt that is too short for her now!)

Let’s see if I can share a little bit without disclosing too much.

In 2017, I wrote a note for my 2018 goals which were: go to an improv class (check!), find a spiritual community that focuses on health (OMG CHECK CHECK CHECK this past weekend!), and figure out how to travel, even close by.

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I like feeling really strong 4.28.19

I like feeling really strong 4.28.19

I wear an extra small now.

I loathe even writing that.

It’s weird to have something that so many people want so badly - or think they want - and to hate it.

I opened this Athleta catalogue - I’m not sure how I even started receiving it since I never shop there - but I like looking through the workout clothes. I’ve got to let go of the past and give away - no THROW AWAY, they are sooooo old - my old workout clothes. The pants literally slide off my hips now! What the fuck!? I’ve had hips since I was 16 and no amount of healthy eating or workouts has changed that.

Until now.

Now that “society” is finally embracing super strong looking women like the ones in this photo - and women of color woot! - I’m turning into this frail little lady. ARRRRGGGGHHHH! It’s like seeing gluten-free waffle cones at a vegan ice cream place - all the foods I love and can eat are EVERYWHERE and I can NOT EAT THEM.

My timing sucks.

As I’ve mentioned in here before, I’ve never aspired to be waif-y thin. I’m trying to remember when my ideas around that started forming. I feel really lucky I didn’t obsess about my body shape much when I was young.

I was WAY more concerned with

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I went to the ballet! 4.19.19

I went to the ballet! 4.19.19

OMG I had the best night!

Awhile back, I posted on Facebook that I was looking for ballet classes for adults. I can’t do jack shit musically but I can dance and I love it. LOVE it. In fact, I get so bored with my “Movement Routine” that I do to digest a few eggs that I’ve added more than just modern dance to it. (Imagine having to do several hours of movement JUST to digest one meal, that’s my life.) I like twirling around like a ballerina to mix things up.

Am I any good? Meh. I wouldn’t make a complete embarrassment out of myself but I’m certainly not gifted at it. There are so few opportunities for me to ENJOY this body, that even if I make an ass out of myself dancing around the house (sorry neighbors), I do not CARE. I’ve never been this limber in my life which makes it fun.

ANYWAY, back to my fun night. An old friend saw my post about looking for ballet classes - which are probably a pipe dream at this point, I can’t get through my improv class without

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I am scared for TPN 4.14.19

I am scared for TPN 4.14.19

I don’t take a lot of photos when the pain is really bad. I also don’t like taking a lot of photos when my weight is down. It’s sunk down several times over the last couple of years but I managed to pull it back up.

The reason I took all those professional photos last year was because I liked my weight then and worried I wouldn’t be able to keep it there.

This could change when I’m on TPN (Total parenteral nutrition “is a method of feeding that bypasses the gastrointestinal tract. Fluids are given into a vein to provide most of the nutrients the body needs. The method is used when a person cannot or should not receive feedings or fluids by mouth.” - Google)

One of my registered dietitian friends - I have a lot of them because I’ve been in the field for so many years - has been recommending TPN for a long time because it bypasses the gut and gives nutrients entirely through the IV to the blood.

It has sounded terrifying for the past year or so when she has been advocating for it. The main risk is liver toxicity from long-term use. It could mean blowing out my PICC line more often as well. I’m sure there are other risks, but I don’t do a lot of medical research on the Internet anymore.

For two reasons:

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