I can't think straight 4.16.19

I can't think straight 4.16.19

I didn’t buy the beet infused yogurt shown in the photo. I don’t know why. It would be good to try to get the beet nutrients as well as the fat and protein in the yogurt in this body. I’ve decided, I’m going to get it next time I’m at this store.

It’s just that I have so much fear around food now! It’s so frustrating to feel this way after years of enjoying so much incredible food during my culinary career.

When I had the inflammatory bowel disease in my twenties, I also had a lot of fear around food. This is not a surprise! Pain will certainly cause aversion to foods. At this point in my life, if I even look at hot macaroni and cheese - my system has never done well with hot cheese and wheat long before the 2014 surgery - my stomach clenches.

It’s not easy for people newly diagnosed with inflammatory bowel disease to omit foods from their diet. But I always encourage them to give it a try. Often, they feel so much better off certain foods that they tell me they feel the same way when they think about eating something that causes pain. Not worth it.

There were so many things I could

Read More

I went to the dentist 4.3.19

I went to the dentist 4.3.19

It happened.

I knew it was coming. I ran into an old friend - we’ve known each other so long I can’t remember when we met, adolescence - and I didn’t get the “you look good.”

Granted, as soon as she said “Julie!” I fell into her arms like a kid. I just feel so safe with her, and I do things like that now, not necessarily socially acceptable “normal” things.

I chatted with her for a few minutes and felt so happy I got to see her and her lovely husband and kid.

They said nothing about my outside which is unusual these days.

When I got home, I looked in the mirror and realized that my hips are gone. I mean, they are still there! But not the way they’ve been for most of my adult life. I’ve always had hips! My frame is noticeable different.

This is a tough one for me to talk about because so many people struggle with body image issues and consider weight loss a “good” thing.

But for me? Shrinking is not the goal!

Read More

I feel like an old lady 3.8.19

I feel like an old lady 3.8.19

I wish I could find the words to convey what it feels like to feel 90 years old on the inside. To wake up and wonder how I’m going to find the energy to get through the day, which I feel most Fridays, wrecked from the week. I can feel it at any time, though, depending on how much food I’ve eaten or if I’ve done too much in prior days.

I slept 12 hours last night. Which you’d think would be common for me. However, my biochemistry is such a mess that I often sleep like an old person. I wake up often and rarely get past 7 or 8 hours - and I realize that a lot of old people would say: that’s a long night! I know. I get it. I often sleep 5-6 hours per night. I rely on a LOT of herbal remedies to sleep beyond that. Now, for some people this is plenty! I have one family member who rarely gets sick and doesn’t need a lot of sleep.

I’m not one of those people and never have been. I used to be a very, very hyper person - most people who work in the culinary field are

Read More

I got IV nutrients 3.7.19

I got IV nutrients 3.7.19

My body hurts. I didn’t want to write here. Then I started thinking about how these are the days that people don’t hear about. The days where I crawl into bed after an appointment - I got some tryptophan in my IV bag which makes me sleepy - put on some music and doze off.

So much of my life resembles an elderly person. I don’t know how to convey that to the doctors, that I’m so tired of not being able to eat enough food, so tired of not being believed that things are worsening.

I can tell what’s going on with my body. I can feel how things are going. I’ve been paying close attention to it since I was a young woman and had the inflammatory bowel disease.

I know when it’s not good. I remember in August 2013, I thought to myself: do I have cancer?

Read More

I got cancer screening 3.6.19

I got cancer screening 3.6.19

I can see why I need to write here every day. I have at least three blog posts from today alone. I had an ovarian cancer screening check today at UW. It was my 5 year check! Because my blood levels of CA-125 were never raised when I had cancer, there is no point in checking them.

I did realized today after meeting with the doctor that no one has been checking my blood for any sort of tumor markers or other things that could indicate cancer is growing somewhere. Geezus. Yet another thing to add to the list of things I need to keep track of. Thankfully, my doctor is amazing and SHE thought to ask the questions that are part of HER job. Instead of me feeling like I constantly have to remember so many details. For example, my doctor’s office in California - last I checked - haven’t sent my labs to my other doc in Seattle despite me asking both offices. So now I have to waste energy following up with both. That’s a drop in the bucket compared to what I have to accomplish in a day.

So you’re probably wondering how my cancer screening turned out! Or maybe you’re not? Since I never had raised CA-125, all they do is give me a pelvic exam. I got the tushie checked too today! Which isn’t always possible if I’m feeling sore. She said she was glad she can check because

Read More