Anxiety spiral

I don’t know what else to do but write when these thoughts keep surging through my head and I’m trying to either deep breathe through them or do something MINDFUL which my friend yesterday and I were laughing about how that feels impossible so much of the time. I’ve tried to do regular meditation for years, but look at how much is going through my mind in even just a short time? How do I calm that down, and not go to the worst case scenario. I’ve been feeling so much relief, that maybe I’ll get a bit of a respite now, and get to play catch up, and be proactive. Maybe these new symptoms are just a kick in the pants, and I’ll get this figured out, and it’s not catastrophic but needs to be addressed sooner than later. Maybe things are just such a mess in there, it’s a matter of time because the gut just stops working.

My friend warned me that it’s likely people aren’t going to be around much today or this week. Apparently, another death in the area so half of the Jewish community is at the funeral today. 42 years old!! FORTY TWO YEARS OLD FUUUUUCK. I don’t have many details yet, coming in bits and pieces and it’s so recent, there is still no obituary. I think some sort of anuerysm which can happen out of the blue. A friend of mine from a zillion years ago - her and her husband are so freaking kind and lovely, they showed up for the shiva, which they didn’t need to do. Anyway, her husband who she’s been with for along time now, he had a first wife who literally dropped dead in late 30s or something like that. They were walking around Greenlake. I have no idea how I remember these details. I want to say her name is Karen. Geezus, why does my brain retain this information. Or playing at the beach, snap! I tried to find the book by that author who lost his wife, it’s got to be in my purchased amazon books because I know I read it during a time when I was buying a ridiculous amount of books. I was lonely in New York and would just read away my free time, that and wander the city, this is after I decided to stop partying and during that period when I kept isolating and isolating.

It looks like we may not get out of town this week. That’s why I booked three possible get aways! If something is serious inside of me, well it’s always serious inside of me if surgeons don’t even want to operate on me, but if it’s nothing that needs urgent attention, I’m still going on this trip. I won’t be able to eat much. Omg, usually time moves too fast but whenever I’m having these anxiety spirals and I can’t stop this FEAR from pressing on my forehead, and the what ifs what ifs what ifs start to pile up and pile up, and I don’t know what to do with this feeling like what the fuck? How is this woman walking the world one day, gone the next? We don’t have enough experience with death and sickness in this culture. I’ve noticed my Asian friends are much less reserved about being around my sick dad or coming to visit and that sort of thing - not always the case, I’m just saying it’s noticeable, because death is something more commonly discussed.

How am I still alive? I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately because what the hell? My dad may have been older, but other than that, ok and not having a stomach, he was still in incredible shape, and I just can’t believe it. Why am I still here? I can’t find my fucking brown glasses, I’ve looked everywhere. This is what happens now, I start reading my phone without any glasses, because eyesight, of course and then I leave them somewhere and I have to find the green ones so I can find the brown ones. So the green ones MUST always be in the same spot, I’m so blind, I can’t even see fucking glasses. WHY AM I STILL ALIVE!!?!!?

What do I do? Do I try to get out of state? Do I keep pursuing GI doctors here? I feel like so many people have compassion fatigue now. I would have had such different reception for my medical case if I’d done it 2 years ago, but now…everyone is so tired, and it’s the beginning of the school year so the next month is bananas. Teaching makes September bonkers, but now I’m not even teaching or a parent, and the month already seems over-full and overwhelming and I don’t know how to get through all of this. We may not get to Vashon this week. Did I say that already? Family member in ER for bestie, and I’m not sure what’s going on over here. Fuck. I did mention it. I need to go get an iron infusion at 11am tomorrow on one side of the city, then drive all the way to the other side of the city. Will that use up too much juice to get away on Wed as it is? I couldn’t get another appt for the infusion until tomorrow. I don’t know how quickly I’ll feel the iron, I need to ask my RD friends. I feel like I….it’s near 80 degrees again today. So hard on me. I can’t believe this Leah Kitz is dead, just walking around normal life last week. In the ground today. How the fuck does that happen? How is my dad dead?

WHY. AM. I. STILL. ALIVE.

How do I make sense of this? And not have survivor’s guilt? How do I make sense of anything in my life. I was really hoping to get shit done, I worked on a social media plan yesterday, trying to organize my space which is a complete disaster right now, figure out SOME sort of plan, even if it’s loose and just for me to feel like I have a “life.”

I don’t feel like I have much of a choice now. I have to look for good GI docs, will likely need to travel, turn into a whole “thing” and share the journey. I don’t know why this is so freaking hard for me! Even if we don’t go to Vashon, maybe I’ll go to a lake and try to throw away all my fears or some hippie dippie shit like that, I can’t let them stop me from possibly saving my own fucking life. It’s not unheard of - I want to say it was Ronald Reagan’s son who had the first thing I had, inflammatory bowel disease, and he ended up dying from it because he was embarrassed and didn’t tell anyone how bad it was? Let me see if that’s real. I can’t find it. Bush’s brother had ulcerative colitis but he’s still alive. I think one of the Eagles had a ton of GI issues and is gone now. I don’t know why I’m thinking about any of this. Why am I so afraid of so many things? How do I let it hold me back STILL at this point in my life? That bucket list, there’s never enough time to do the bucket list if you get sick! Bucket list should be top, top of the list.

Well this doesn’t surprise me about Glenn Fry’s medical case:

“His widow claims Itzkowitz and the hospital failed to treat her husband’s ulcerative colitis and associated diseases, failed to diagnose and treat his infections and respiratory issues, and did not give proper medical advice.

‘As a result of the foregoing acts of negligence, Glenn Frey was rendered sick, sore, lame and disabled, suffered injuries, pain, mental anguish, was compelled to seek medical care and attention, incurred expenses thereof, and was permanently injured and disabled until the time of his death,’ the suit alleges.”

My dad loves the Eagles. So did I. We both liked the classic rock music a lot.

I wonder if this widow will win.

Even with all her power and money and famous husband.

Even a famous husband can’t survive our medical system. This is what I’m talking about. It’s a different world in there. And so many of the able bodied - especially the dudes around here - think that their money will keep them safe.

Nope! Not even Marv or Glenn or so many others who had a lot going for them, had resources, white skin, some leverage in the world.

In the medical system, it’s a whole other set of rules. This is what I keep trying to explain to people around me. They think I’m making stuff up or exaggerating. I should try and contact the widow. See what she knows. This was only last year. What do you do? Find them on Facebook? The world has shrunk so much.

Ok I’m going to calm myself down. I’m taking deep breaths. I’m going to finish getting ready for my class even though I really don’t feel like going but what’s the alternative. This is the thing for me, I want to get out so bad, but…I don’t know. I’m sure it’s not helping that there’s another death, a woman near my age. Another funeral yesterday but for a 99 year old guy, so there’s that. Apparently, he wasn’t a very nice person. Hence the tons of money and living until 99 years old.

Why is that? If I become less codependent and more WHATEVER, will I live longer?

Probably.

Ok Deep breaths I will go do some stretching and walking so I get some movement but not too much that it makes me too tired for later. I will bring 2 liters of fluids because it’s hot out and I’ve noticed that as soon as I finish my liter bag in class, I’m tired again and don’t have energy to participate. One of my friends from 100 had cancer a few months ago, and he is coming to meet up, I want to visit with him and make sure he’s doing all right. He is a strong dude! He is starting a degree in the fall that involves psychology and existentialism omg I spelled that correctly first time. I like being able to talk about death. Is that weird? Oh well, I’ve always liked talking about death, I think it makes me better at living, strange but true.

Deep breaths, will do some stretching, very minimal walking, hydrate, and hope the fuck I can make it through whatever is going on, and hoping we get to Vashon and hoping bestie’s dad is ok, and hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping maybe possibly fingers crossed, I get something figured out sooner than later, or at the very least: I STOP BEING AFRAID OF SO MANY THINGS!!!!!!!!

I emailed one of my friends I met at the sweat lodge in Oregon, I’m hoping he can give me some insight too. I’ll contact this rabbi. I need to figure some stuff OUT!

Should I post this?

Ahh well fuck it.