Should I attempt testing fish? 6.18.19

That’s me on the left with the bifocal glasses, my Papu Albert - the cool one that owned the Tacoma pawn shop and was tough as nails - his twin brother, Jack to the far right, he was the coolest too. He volunteered at the Jewish Day school so there is an entire generation of people (my age) that adored him. They put “Uncle Jack” on his tombstone! That’s my brother in front.

That’s me on the left with the bifocal glasses, my Papu Albert - the cool one that owned the Tacoma pawn shop and was tough as nails - his twin brother, Jack to the far right, he was the coolest too. He volunteered at the Jewish Day school so there is an entire generation of people (my age) that adored him. They put “Uncle Jack” on his tombstone! That’s my brother in front.

If I’m going to share myself here, and that seems to be the continuing trajectory, then I figure I might as well start sharing some old photos. I have this dream of writing a bunch more life stories in another section of my website and utilize all these photos I’ve curated over the last few years. But my bandwidth….

My bandwidth is so so small now. I can barely get the “must do” phone calls done, let alone call new practitioners. I barely get my powdered vitamins and supplements inside me, let alone experiment with vegan ice creams that I won’t gag on. I barely keep track of my doctor appointments, let alone do research to expand my search for a GI expert outside of Seattle.

My dad is stuck at home all of the time. My mom is stuck with them.

I’m stuck here.

I’m trying so fucking hard. I’m working so hard on figuring a way out of this mess. But for every few feet I swim toward HOPEFULLY some land, I then get tossed backward by a errant wave or an insensitive person.

If someone isn’t doing something to lift a little weight off my back, I can’t deal with them. If they want to ask me for something right now, I can’t give it. I’m trying not to swallow too much ocean water. I’m trying to create community, forge friendships with people who ACTUALLY TAKE CARE OF ME not for some ulterior motive but because they care about me and want to simply give, trying to make sure I have the data I need for my appointment with the registered dietitian, get on the phone with the state to get my food stamps (EBT) reinstated, figure out a way to make a living!

This is the biggest issue around white savior for ME personally. I don’t want charity if I can at all help it! I HATE ASKING for financial help. It makes my skin crawl.

If people just give, that’s cool. Then I’m not a humiliated poor sick woman begging. I hate begging.

What I really, really want is a way to make an actual living.

I asked someone that’s never had to worry about money: have you ever considered whether you could be a prostitute or not?

I don’t think women who have never had to worry financially ever consider it. I don’t know. But I’d like to conduct a study because I think it would be super interesting.

When an entire culture is rigged against the poor, the marginalized, women, the sick, people of color, queer, whoever isn’t at the top, there are limitations on how we can survive.

I wish this was clearer to see.

My Papu.

He’d not be happy with me considering the things I’m considering.

Nobody would be.

Strange how that works isn’t it?

So many people in a position of power not doing anything tangible to help the poor, whether it’s help with climate change (we’ll die first), restore democracy (quality leaders won’t pass legislation that kills us), run for office or help someone run for office (see last note), help make housing affordable (I don’t even know what to say about this it’s so upsetting), and then wonder why we’re all freaking out.

I get $1400 after they take money out for Medicare. I can’t even rent a shitty apartment for that in this area. Ok, maybe super shitty is possible. And even if I could find a place to rent for that amount, how do I pay for everything else?

I’m stuck here, and for now, that’s ok, if I can find ways to create community here and not be controlled on how or when I have people over.

The cluelessness with which so many people go through life in this country is truly baffling.

I got the podcast going. It would be super awesome if some powerful people helped get it out in the world so that maybe I have a shot in hell of making something of it.

I’m working on the space so I can MAYBE figure out a way to utilize the space but it will take ages.

I’m working on getting my health on track, but every step forward, I feel like I get dragged back.

My blood sugar is low as I mentioned at the end of my last post. My omega 3,6,9, copper, zinc, amino acids, and B’s are all deficient.

Now, in this stupid medical world, who cares? Julie, calm down.

IN MY WORLD, these will lead to continued breakdown of organ systems and not help prevent cancer.

I could literally end up dying of malnourishment related conditions because of how long all of this has taken the last year.

I can’t get full on the diet I’m on. I’m constantly hungry. I said something to a family member and they said with that underlying jealously of my frame: well you’re all muscle now.

I said: this is not good, adipose tissue (fat) is crucial for survival for a reason! I NEED that adipose tissue to get me through the next medical crisis.

My body is eating itself. There I said it out loud in a way that non-nutrition people can understand.

It’s slowly taking the tissue and utilizing it for some function.

I’m trying to play catch up, trying so hard to get everything I can into this body that I possibly can. But I’m having to work just as hard to digest 3 eggs as I was for 8 eggs, maybe more. It’s hard to track what I’m doing for my exercises and I’m so bizarrely strong and limber (I’m working on the splits, something I’ve never been able to do even when I was a teenager, I have a lot of muscle which makes you less limber, hence the reason most cis dudes aren’t as limber as women), it’s hard to tell anything anymore.

I just know people “buy” the outside image as a sign of health.

Nope. The more “cut” and muscular I appear - which is NEVER how I’ve been my entire life, even when I was a runner and super fit - the more at risk I become next time something doesn’t work in my gut. Or if I had to do a surgical procedure or anything else.

And yet.

Still so much denial.

I’m seriously considering trying to eat some fish, especially while on the antibiotics. I wish I could convey how scary that is after this winter’s painful couple of months. I could probably do the cod I get from this little fish store. It’s very moist and practically melts in my mouth which is ideal. Salmon is SO good right now, I could try to puree some? I don’t know. I’m so tired. Making special food sounds so hard.

THAT is how tired I am. I’m a former culinary nutritionist and making special food sounds too hard.

I’ve got to be better about asking for some help on that end. I’m just so tired of asking for help. I’m tired of needing help. I want to go get a job. Find a cool apartment and just do my thing. That’s it. Eat, work, complain about my job like everyone else, and continue on with my life.

I don’t know how long I can tolerate the current diet I’m on. I really don’t. It’s really getting to me.

I hate asking for help. It’s absolutely wonderful when people say YES! But for all those YESes, I get a LOT of rejection.

I’m tired of rejection. It’s hard on me. I hate having to need so much help. How is that not obvious? I’m so prideful and independent. I ran my own life for so long. Why would anyone think this is my “thing?”

When some of these people truly “wake up” to how they are treating medically fragile….ooooohhh that’s gonna HURT so bad. That is going to be a painful wake up. I still have pain. I realize something ELSE I didn’t * see * about disability or being in the system, and I’m like ARRHGHGHGHGHGH I thought I was better than that! I thought I understood so much better! Nooooo, I didn’t get it at all! OOWWWWW that hurts to see now!

Then it’s over, and I’m a tiny tiny VERY tiny bit more aware.

It’s a slow and painful process, waking up to so many different aspects of others and my own experience.

Lord. It’s hard on me to wake other people up. It’s especially hard when I share my own pain in order to wake others up. It fucking hurts on multiple levels.

I’ve been reading some of my past posts, trying to clean them up. I don’t delete much. I’ve always tried to be mindful of what I post on the Internet but reading through these, I’m struck by how angry I can be in some of the posts.

Not surprising.

Now I just feel tired. The anger is often better than when I feel resigned.

I’m just so so sooo tired of eating what I”m eating. And then having people have completely unrealistic expectations.

Sure I can manage all of this on my own while starving.

I should start walking soon but I forgot to pick up some medication and now realizing I have to do ONE more thing after an already long day.

I’ve been trying to finish the post for HOURS. I might as well just get it up. They can’t all be rambling and long! I feel like I start these with some kind of point or needing some kind cathartic release.

Today I’m just tired. Tired of having to do so much on so little fuel. Tired of the world being so mean to so many good people.

Tired.

I need to get some rest. Real rest. I haven’t taken an entire day to rest much lately and I pay for it.

Good night.

Much love,

Jules