I want to paint + meditate 5.30.19

I’ve walked by this place but never gone in. There never seems to be time. I called tonight to see if this class is happening again and they said it had sold out - that made me feel better that I couldn’t have gone tonight anyway! Good idea for a class! I’m earmarking the good ones….strange to not do food, but also interesting.

I’ve walked by this place but never gone in. There never seems to be time. I called tonight to see if this class is happening again and they said it had sold out - that made me feel better that I couldn’t have gone tonight anyway! Good idea for a class! I’m earmarking the good ones….strange to not do food, but also interesting.

The worst part of this latest chapter in my weird ass life is I constantly feel like there’s never enough time. I rush and rush, and still not enough time. I know some people are like: I KNOW. Back up ables. I mean there’s not enough time before I die. Before my dad dies. It’s an awful feeling. Especially when people WASTE my time.

I feel like there’s this huge timer going, and I’m one of those people on a gameshow trying to shop in a grocery store with a small basket, a wad of cash and some sort of trick product that I MUST buy in order to “qualify” for the next round.

If that makes zero sense, perfect. That’s exactly how I feel almost every day for the entire day.

What? Where? Did I forget to do something?

There’s crap all over the house now for my dad’s oxygen - he has to have it on every second so there’s long tubing going down the hallway. I’d never tell him but the generator thingie is in the room right above me kept me up last night. I’m sure it’s also stress.

And hunger. Have you ever tried to sleep when you’re really hungry?

We’ll work on covering the vent to decrease the noise from the machine. You can hear entire phone conversations through those vents.

I canceled my appointment with the RD today because of a text conversation I was having with my RD friend in New York City yesterday. She was NOT happy that this woman had said “oh, well can you enter your daily intake of food into MyFitnessPal - I hate calculating calories!”

At the time, I was like: No, I HATE calculating calories which is the reason I never went the RD route and went into culinary and nutrition education instead. Grrrrrl, why are you working in a hospital if you don’t like the main responsibility of your job!? (This was not a “must take this job or else situation” - a lot of the dietitian field is white women middle class and up - it’s a real issue for people of color when they are looking for someone that will address their particular concerns. I found the second half of this article the most interesting.)

It was disconcerting but I get treated weird so often in the medical world, I kept the appointment. But my friend was not pleased that I was worrying about adding up my own calories. So I canceled and will make an appointment and went to acupuncture for my back instead. Got my motility herbs - Dr. Huang always nails it.

Now that I’m not twisted and in pain, I don’t feel like dealing with any of it. Though my friend isn’t happy with my calorie intake - she said it’s roughly around 800 which is what I guessed is daily average. Some days, I get in 1400 and other days, maybe only 400-500. This past week, I didn’t eat eggs - or much food at all - for two full days. I have no idea how I am even walking around as functional as I am.

I was so curious - I’m always too curious if you hadn’t figured that out yet - for so many years about how hollywood types don’t eat. Or, those boys that walked Sudan. Or, concentration camp survivors from the Holocaust.

How does the body manage to keep going when it’s malnourished? My acupuncturist isn’t too happy with my levels of protein either - and I saw him today right after my friend sent me a barrage of concerned messages.

It’s pretty maddening how little importance the medical world gives nutrition. It’s SO important - especially for medically fragile. The difference between a five or ten pound weight gain before chemotherapy can mean life or death! There are deficiencies that can screw up the entire body! They’ve found that B12 deficiency mimics dementia!

Nutrition. It’s something I think about constantly so if I get a week where I can back burner my medical case, I take it. In this case, my dad’s been sick and I’m tired. The weirdest thing is that after each of those horrible obstruction episodes, my body somehow adjusts to it’s new frame and new calorie intake. I used to eat AN ENTIRE PINT OF vegan coconut ice cream per day. I could never do that now. I just couldn’t get it down.

I miss my ass. I really do. I don’t know why but I guess I consider it part of my identity weirdly enough? My boobs came in really late - strange but it does happen - in my late twenties! But I remember being proud of my ass in high school! Am I allowed to write such words on the Internet? Or will the White Women Coalition burn me at the stake for complimenting myself - no, no, no and complimenting HIGH SCHOOL self!

Blasphemy! There’s that skit Amy Schumer did before she got lame about how these women all insult themselves and then one woman…well, I’ll let you watch it here. (Or what about the one where they all dream of opening a bakery in Maine but can’t find it - to be continued….)

Isn’t it so sad and messed up that women have to be so careful about complimenting themselves while men are encouraged to do so all day long? (I’m not saying that they don’t have their own toxicity to battle, just saying this isn’t one of them.)

Anyway, there’s shit everywhere in the house.

My poor mom looks like she is a zombie that’s about to pass out.

Too much. I said to her: welcome to the world of DISABILITY! Where you’re constantly exhausted and stressed out! Never have enough time or money! And constantly behind in paperwork!

My brother in law was in the back preparing their dinner (yes, all my hollering does actually work sometimes) - which was super sweet of him to do. My sister in law dropped off groceries which was stellar as well.

My mom responds: Julie, I think you forgot to tell all your doctors that you switched Medicare supplement plans in April.

My brain:

I’m like: it’s the supplement - don’t these offices go through Medicare?

My mom:

I see these conversations on Twitter so I wanted to try one!!!

I’m not sure I’m getting it right, but meh. Gotta keep the mind young!

Anyway, apparently I had that large stack of mail - remember that? See how handy it is storing so much information in this little blog!!!?? It was because I forgot to notify all the offices that I switched supplement plans.

So when all those things are denied, that’s going to be a BLAST to untangle!!

One seemingly small mistake ends up being hours I don’t have to spare.

It totally sucks what’s happening over here.

The good news from the day is that I got to spend time with the 14 year old. I know I’m biased, but damn I have the sweetest kids in the world in my life! The deal is that he either has to be in camp or get a job. He chose to get a job. I told him I’d help him with his resume - this is something I’ve done for years even for the young ones! We knocked it out a few days ago and made plans to walk around the island businesses to see if he can hustle up some work.

I know some people would say: why would you spend your precious spoons on this Julie?

And I’d say: spending time with the kids, even doing tasks like this, and creating content is EXACTLY how I’d like to spend whatever time I have left!!

He isn’t turning 15 until the beginning of August so it’s a bit tricky. He did SUCH a great job today! He was poised and even listened to me and wore a collared shirt (a little small and also, he REALLY doesn’t want to go to camp, but it is nice when the kids take my advice!!). No, really, he has that business bug. He’s willing to hustle, sales or whatever, he’s confident.

I remember asking the boys to wash my car when they were a lot younger. I proposed paying them a little cash What I DO remember was him being around 8 years old and saying: if my brothers don’t help, how about I wash your car for $10? Which was more than the total of what I was even going to pay them (they were small!).

It’s such a clear memory, I remember he was in the back right seat staring out the window, didn’t even blink as he said it and I thought: damn, my 8 year old nephew just negotiated better, and more casually, than I’ve ever negotiated as an adult in my entire life.

It’s so strange to me that so many parents are like: ooooh my kids are in X Y X tennis, sleep away, whatever camp! My kid is in a French immersion program for blah de blah. My kid got into XXX blah d blah.

I’m like: our kids can cook, clean house, care for small children and rustle up jobs AND do well at their jobs.

D had a job within an hour of walking around to I think 5 businesses!!! WAHOOOO!! It doesn’t matter that I was coaching him a little - not every kid could do what he did today. He shook the hands of managers at all these businesses, looked them straight in the eye and told them what he was looking for. He started adjusting his pitch after the first couple of stores so it would include his age - to explain why he was coming in person (we weren’t sure who would hire an almost-15 year old so I told him - go OLD SCHOOL and meet people in person - it worked yeah it did, the Hustle gene lives on).

It’s not totally in the bag, but I’m still super proud of how he handled the process. He showed more maturity than some adults I’ve interviewed.

I don’t think parents get the right kind of slack. I think too many people expect themselves to just NATURALLY know shit, some do better with different age groups. Stupid Patriarchy even shames parents for not knowing how to do one of the most challenging jobs ever. It really would work better if we all shared duties like a village in an indigenous community. I’d be good with the teens. Someone else does well with small kids. Someone else hates managing the kids but loves cooking. It makes so much more sense than what' we’re doing now.

What we’re doing now is incredibly inefficient and a complete waste of resources and space (a family of four in a huge house!? This era will LOOK RIDICULOUS to people in 50+ years - if humans are still around).

Anyway, I said to the older one when he interviewed for a job last week at a coffee shop: I don’t care what the outcome is, I’m really proud of how you handled this whole thing.

Of course, he got the job. But that’s my new thing now. Complimenting how they handle things. Really focusing on the things they do well - specific praising was a big thing in the teaching circles for awhile. Now I’m trying to focus on the journey instead of the destination. I feel like they get so much of that at school and in the world they inhabit.

I need to walk if I’m going to WALK. Computer is dying. I’m beyond tired. I MUST go to bed earlier!!!

Oh, for anyone wondering about my anxiety spiral and all my mental health. 1) I think I’m literally too tired to spin out 2) I’m always happy when I get to spend time with a kid(s) 3) My dad is sitting on the couch watching basketball right now (with his oxygen and walker - he has a WALKER, my Ironman dad has a walker!!) and somehow that’s calming. He’s doing something regular. I’m doing something regular.

We might both be dead within…well, I don’t know. We should probably make some sort of bet as to who can last longer.

We’re both so competitive, it could keep us alive for awhile.

I hope. I hope. I hope.

Much love,