How do I manage the stress? 5.26.19

shit i couldn’t tell there was a kid face on there on my phone. i really need to check my photos better! right now don’t have time to switch barely have time to write. Have I told you I miss teaching kids how to cook? Passed this recently - and felt a pang - for a moment. Then kept walking. No time for pangs.

shit i couldn’t tell there was a kid face on there on my phone. i really need to check my photos better! right now don’t have time to switch barely have time to write. Have I told you I miss teaching kids how to cook? Passed this recently - and felt a pang - for a moment. Then kept walking. No time for pangs.

I’ve always been a fast mover. I worked in a kitchen - lord, I’ve fired people for moving too slow, I really have. There’s no point in trying to work with someone that can not or will not move quickly in a culinary professional setting.

I walk fast, thank you New York City for teaching me how to walk like a proper human being. The rest of America, please learn from the best (jk, not really, but kinda, just walk faster people!).

People make fun of the fact that I’m not sharp in the morning - it’s really weird how morning people are often smug and superior about their morning-ness but a recent study shows that the world is actually rigged in their favor and our brains just function different so HA!

I do a LOT at night when most people are sluggish. I have to finish typing here, finish my broth - which I must eat slowly, obviously NOT EASY FOR ME - insert some B12 into a saline bag and if I want ANY of my routine to end up outside, I need to hustle. Though, I’m not sure I’ll get away from being far from a bathroom this evening so outside walk might be nixed.

I have to figure out a bunch of stuff about the house that I don’t know and only my Dad knows. We need a larger garbage can if he can’t take the extra garbage to the warehouse. We’re out of the bottled water, which is also at the warehouse. We need stuff from Costco - one of his favorite tasks. He’s not somebody who loves to shop (that’s my mom), but if I’ve EVER asked for anything from Costco, it’s there the next day. One of the very first Costcos is across the street from his warehouse, and I have no idea why but he loves going there.

So many things feel like they are moving too slow. I’ve worked SO hard these last few years to try and carve out some sort of work endeavor. An asshole on Fivrr destroyed one of my websites, another one try to bilk me out of money - that was when my mind was mush and I didn’t have my spidey sense on full alert.

I’m so upset about how my dad’s case has been handled, I can’t - or shouldn’t - write about it here….

Deep breath.

I’m advocating for all ancillary services.

He is your IDEAL strong patient.

They fucked it all up.

I’ve never felt like this before. I have moments of like yeah let’s kick some butt. Or, rage at some idiot who cuts me off on the road.

But this.

This is different.

I want to holler at the GOP voters from this area who threw families like mine under the bus.

I want to do things.

I don’t get how the White Able Bodied Rich People - not the cool amazing ones who help out, I mean the other people who don’t do shit and then smirk and scoff at people instead of helping - can keep up the narrative that “things are fine” “checks and balances” “Supreme Court will fix this” (DUDE WERE YOU UNDER A ROCK LAST SEPTEMBER!?!!??!?!?!??!?)

How many times do I have to tell people we are DYING. Literally dying.

Last year, when I was working furiously on election stuff - and delaying my own medical case which I’m about to have to do again because I will switch focus to my dad to see if we can eke out another year…, if that - this woman who was blessedly working on helping the immigrants. But clearly, very very new to the Cause.

She said: oh I’m not worried about this election, I figure we’ll turn it around in 2024.

Yeah.

So I have to hear this shit over and over and over again. Which I get that not everyone * sees * - totally understand that the waking up process is not all at once.

But when people treat ME like I’m the dummy for worrying about the 2018 election? Or the ACA repeal? Or whether our medical system will even survive the next couple of years?

(Does it make sense now why I’m so urgently running around trying to find MDs who will order what is necessary? And looking for sources of IV nutrition? When the whole thing goes…I must have things in place.)

So yeah, I’m scared but I’m not letting myself feel it right now.

I can’t.

Survival takes precedence.

It’s quite disturbing how few Americans have strong survival skills. And I don’t know even mean know how to make a fucking fire.

I mean their senses have dulled to the point that they can’t even sense danger, for themselves, for others. Instead, I’m standing with fire licking at my feet and hollering to them, begging for help, and they are like: Julie, what are you talking about! Stop you’re so dramatic.

And I’ve been patient for so long (have I? or maybe I haven’t? i don’t even know. Can’t remember!) - it FEELS like I’ve been patient for so long. I’m like: WHAT THE FUCK, my feet are starting to burn this winter! My dad is sicker than ever! We live on his salary and government benefits!

Which how long are THOSE going to keep coming in the mail?

I wonder what it was like for the early pioneers. The dumb asses that came out west and screwed around all summer. That’s what so many able bodied people look like to me now.

I’m furiously canning food, chopping wood, fortifying my cabin for winter, hunting, and skinning and drying the meat.

And these city folk are going by in their wagon, saying: why you working so hard there mate!? It’s a beautiful summer day.

I barely glance up to respond.

There is too much to do.

And winter is definitely coming.

The smart ones will start paying attention and preparing as well.

The rest? Oh my.

Gotta walk.

Much love,

Jules