It was a magical weekend 5.20.19

Not the most flattering photo but i’m feeling ok mentally and physically here, which is a good thing for me to have a photographic record of! Also I love the juxtaposition between the mohawk and the hippie skirt. My two extreme sides meeting in the middle! :)

Not the most flattering photo but i’m feeling ok mentally and physically here, which is a good thing for me to have a photographic record of! Also I love the juxtaposition between the mohawk and the hippie skirt. My two extreme sides meeting in the middle! :)

I did it! I had a fantastic weekend and felt ok physically and mentally!

This is a HUGE relief. If I couldn’t do a short road trip in my area, I was afraid my world would shrink even more than it already has.

Just thinking about that terrifies. I had a lot of safety precautions in place, just in case.

But all went well.

On the drive home, I was actually sad to be heading back. I didn’t care that I was sitting in traffic in Tacoma! That’s how happy I was to be out of the cocoon.

Out of respect for the community that has graciously welcomed me into their fold, I won’t be sharing any specific details about what went on during the weekend.

What I can share is that it was an incredibly healing experience. This photo was taken after I did an ancient ritual. My entire outfit is soaked in sweat here! And I’m very pale, but I did remarkably well given the situation. (Women wear skirts so I borrowed my friend’s skirt that is too short for her now!)

Let’s see if I can share a little bit without disclosing too much.

In 2017, I wrote a note for my 2018 goals which were: go to an improv class (check!), find a spiritual community that focuses on health (OMG CHECK CHECK CHECK this past weekend!), and figure out how to travel, even close by.

This is still hanging in my bathroom.

This is still hanging in my bathroom.

I can’t believe I accomplished the last two in one weekend! And I still can’t believe I’m doing improv and love it so much! (WRITE YOUR GOALS DOWN PEOPLE!)

I shouldn’t have done as well as I did given the ritual I experienced - it was very hot and I did it for a couple of HOURS. I had my IV bag going the entire time. As soon as the IV ended, I got back in the cool air.

I didn’t give myself an IV bag for another 24 HOURS! I had several more, just in case. I was willing to do a third bag on Saturday after the ritual, but I didn’t need it! It’s been truly remarkable. People can scoff all they want.

What I really valued the most was the sharing and honesty that each person in the group brought to the afternoon. It was so profound to listen to men share their feelings openly. When it was my turn to share, I surprised myself by telling near strangers about some really tough things. Yes, I do share a LOT of innermost feelings on the Internet. But it’s so different to do that in person!

When I confessed I felt a little embarrassed that I shared what a dark time I’ve been going through, my friend’s husband said he’s always amazed at what is revealed in these groups.

I wonder how white dudes are faring right now. I worry about the boys entering a world that will be so hostile to them. I fear that too many guys in my peer group aren’t understanding how dire things are. I worry about so many things.

But then I saw solutions this past weekend. I saw how there are ways to support both genders in their quest for healing and self-actualization and finding themselves while the patriarchy is breaking down.

We only need to look to the indigenous people and people of color. Of course, they’ve always had the answers. It’s so interesting to me that this showed up in my life exactly at the moment I needed it most - and was ready for it. It really is extraordinary how when WE shift, the people around us shift with us.

It’s such a codependent thing I did for years: trying to fix OTHER people. Instead of working on myself. I had all the answers! I know what they needed more than than them! (No, I did not.)

Bahaha. So much of recovery is admitting we don’t know jack shit. Hmmm that’s the kind of quotes I want to share on instagram. I don’t want to do what everyone else is doing. I want to do things that sound like ME. It’s just taking awhile to feel brave enough to put things like that up! But now that I have an ipad that I can draw on (thanks to some incredibly generous friends - that’s a whole other magical story) and create little quotes in my own hand writing. Still getting the hang of it!

Oh and I also had my very first piece published in The Mighty! Wahoo! I’m so excited about it! I am worried about the word “tribe” though. I feel especially weird given my past weekend. I’ve decided if something makes me uneasy and I’m concerned about cultural appropriation, I should listen to that voice! I just wrote the editors to see what they think. Also, they added in the progressive condition part - which I told them: I’m not even sure what that means.

All around, good things happening over here. I am very, very tired today. No improv class tonight. No new session until July. But one of my classmates and I are working on setting up our own meetings until then. And now that I have nice SPACE, we can hold some here, hopefully!!

It feels good to not have an entire post of rants. I want to share more about everything that happened this weekend, but like I said, I want to honor my new friends and also, I’m still processing all of it.

I’m just so relieved that new people who are so supportive and compassionate are entering my life. I feel very, very lucky that whatever I was going through these past months seems to be ending. I realize I may have to go through more shitty times! That’s kind of how my life works. But as my support system grows and I feel less shaky about this new life, I feel like I can handle things. I may not handle them WELL, but I know this:

I can handle it.

I’ve handled a lot so far! I have to trust that I can handle whatever else is coming next. I admit: it is terrifying to have things go well! I’m so ready for the other shoe to drop. It’s so hard too, to watch the world and our country fall apart more and more each day.

All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m still so worried about my dad. He is not doing well. He refused to go to the doctor today which isn’t like him. He is making odd decisions. Which I get! It happens. But it’s really scary that his poor decisions could…lead to…bad things.

Sigh…heavy world I live in. At least I got some light this weekend. It can carry me for a bit….and several people I met live up here and can take me to other healing events! So that makes me super happy!

For now, I need to write an outline for the next podcast. I can’t decide if I’m ready to do one on Healing. Oh! I forgot to share something else beautiful that happened.

I met this lovely young woman - I don’t think she was even 20 years old at the time - when I was traveling for the ACA sign up campaign a couple of years ago. We follow each other on Instagram and she always has the coolest posts!

She wrote me today to say that she listens to my podcasts! That she’s listened to nearly all of them! And…shit I’m going to cry while I write this…she said that they have helped her a lot. That listening to the podcast is like listening to her inner voice that’s too afraid to come out still! Holy shit! What an amazing compliment! The kids.

I do this all for the kids. No offense to adults. But SOMEONE has got to help these kids navigate the broken world they are entering. The older kids see so much on their phones. They need to have honest conversations, maybe do a volunteer trip.

It’s such an honor to have the teens and young adults trust me. I’d shave my whole head and live like even more of a pauper if it meant that they felt safe with me. And trusted me to guide them through these terrifying waters. Growing up is hard enough as it is! I can’t imagine reading the Apple newsfeed these days while also trying to figure out adulthood.

Wait. I guess I’m kind of doing that now. Maybe that’s why I can relate to them! It hasn’t been easy all these years, not swallowing the bullshit we’re fed. It has not been easy being treated poorly because I refused to do what I was expected to do.

But it’s totally worth it if the young people know they can come to me and share whatever it is they need to and I won’t judge, or tell them they are bad people, or shame them in any way. They deserve to live a life that is authentic and real without feeling like the world will shit on them.

I’ll keep fighting to birth that world along with so many others.

Ok, I’ve got to figure out my next podcast. I want to do one on healing. But the words Men & Shame keep popping up. It was super cool my friend Sean and I don’t get to catch up much, but he happened to call just as I was arriving at my destination on Friday. So we got a good chat in!

I think anger is a topic we could all use a better understanding of. I certainly do. My new friends and I were rattling off all the things they should be teaching in school and managing feelings, anger management, communication skills, and I threw in nutrition and how to feed oneself. So much of what we are teaching these kids simply isn’t going to help them navigate the REAL world.

For now, I rest and ponder the next podcast….

I’d rather do men & shame with a male guest. But maybe there is some info that needs to come out when I do my stream of consciousness podcasting….I’m so honored any young people might be listening!! Wow, that’s going to blow my mind for awhile. We never know how we will touch someone’s life, I suppose.

I have to remember that. I don’t remember it enough.

Much love,