I am a lucky lady 5.12.19

these cutie pies.

these cutie pies.

I don’t have much time to write today! I dozed a lot today and then spent time with the kids. Now that the weather has cooled down, I want to walk outside for at least part of my walk.

It’s so interesting to me how I feel about Mother’s Day NOW versus how I felt about it in prior years.

It’s not an easy thing for a woman in our culture to opt out of having kids. Mine has half opting and half medical reasons half didn’t know what I was doing so I did nothing (and yes, I do realize that doesn’t add up).

Before I had huge tumors in my ovaries at age 41, I could have gone either way.

The weird thing is I always thought I wanted kids. I never imagined being married when I was younger. But I always imagined doing cool things with kids! Somehow that vision ended up becoming reality!

It’s hard to admit in this culture that I’m very happy about how this area of my life worked out. It’s gotten a lot easier for me to be honest about this thanks to the millennials who are so open about so many things. They’re so real about the pros and cons of becoming a parent.

I feel like my generation was the last one to do things by default. I felt SO much shame for so many years for not having my own kids. I’m a Spanish Jewish woman - giving birth and taking care of a brood is what I assumed I would do for most of my life.

No wonder I was a huge fucking mess by my late 30s. I couldn’t figure out who I was or what I wanted at a pivotal moment in life.

It really sucks. What Paula was talking about in the Divorce episode. I remember being a couple years before 40 years old and feeling this huge panic, what if my moment was closing down?!?!!?!

Some women are so clear in their hearts and minds that they don’t want to get pregnant or have children. I never had that clarity at all.

I feel like I’ve been handed a lot of really difficult challenges. But somehow, this one worked out. I FUCKING LOVE BEING AN AUNT. It’s the perfect role for me. The boys wanted to hang last night - which I love of course because when I’m stuck at home, I love their company, I love teenagers!!! I really do! My own teen nephews and nieces?? That’s like my favorite company of all time (sorry adults, they really are funny and weird and are so cool with my medical stuff, it makes it so comfortable).

I loved being a teacher too.

I felt really at peace today. When this day used to really suck! It felt good to get to a place of peace and acceptance.

Also, knowing I can never, ever get pregnant under this fucking administration fills me with lots of peace! Geezus fucking what the hell is wrong with these people? What did their parents do to them? Why do they hate women so much? How did things get so warped and wrong at the highest levels of government?

How are we going to help these women in a way that is safe for them and respectful of their privacy?

I don’t feel lucky a whole hell of a lot these days.

But when I DO feel lucky, I feel like the luckiest woman in the whole wide world.

And that’s how I feel when I spend time with my precious darling wonderful nieces and nephews. Kids just make me happy.

I don’t want to take care of them anymore! Or clean up after them. Mad respect for parents, man. That’s a hard fucking job.

I’m good over here! I don’t have to do bath time or homework duty or did you do your laundry (please America, teach your children how to do laundry and be a good roommate, and clean up after themselves and cook, my goodness there will be lacrosse player French speaking college kids all over who can’t manage a fucking load of laundry - we set up our kids well).

Instead I’m going to go for a walk, quick, before it gets hot again. I need to breathe in some spring flowers and feel some nature on my skin. Being stuck indoors is no good for the body or the soul. I’m learning that. Hmmmm maybe a moist greenhouse would be a good place for me to spend time….a girl can dream, right?

For now, at least, I have a proper living room where I can host people! WAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Aren’t these babies so beautiful. I love them so much.

Happy Human Day. Hope it was a decent one despite the horrific news.

Much love,