I can see why I need to write here every day. I have at least three blog posts from today alone. I had an ovarian cancer screening check today at UW. It was my 5 year check! Because my blood levels of CA-125 were never raised when I had cancer, there is no point in checking them.
I did realized today after meeting with the doctor that no one has been checking my blood for any sort of tumor markers or other things that could indicate cancer is growing somewhere. Geezus. Yet another thing to add to the list of things I need to keep track of. Thankfully, my doctor is amazing and SHE thought to ask the questions that are part of HER job. Instead of me feeling like I constantly have to remember so many details. For example, my doctor’s office in California - last I checked - haven’t sent my labs to my other doc in Seattle despite me asking both offices. So now I have to waste energy following up with both. That’s a drop in the bucket compared to what I have to accomplish in a day.
So you’re probably wondering how my cancer screening turned out! Or maybe you’re not? Since I never had raised CA-125, all they do is give me a pelvic exam. I got the tushie checked too today! Which isn’t always possible if I’m feeling sore. She said she was glad she can check because tumors can grow in that area. All good in my lower holes! We both agreed that a CT scan would be a wise idea since I haven’t had my abdomen imaged in awhile. Maybe two years? I can’t remember. I have no idea how I manage any of this with this brain of mine. It’s astounding to me that I can even put together sentences right now.
I still haven’t shared with anyone that I’m writing here because it weirdly still feels personal and just for me. Strange that I would say that about something that I’m publishing on the Internet. But I’ve been publishing content on social media SO much for awhile now, that it feels kind of lovely to know that this content LIVES on the Internet. Yet, it’s just for me right now. I’ve always been the person that doesn’t want to open a present right away. I enjoy the anticipation as much as I enjoy the actual gift.
I need to get on the treadmill tonight. I keep going to bed too late. I’m spitting out a lot of content these days AND I have a lot of doctor appointments so trying to get all my tasks done in the evening is challenging. I wish I could convey to people what it’s like to have to move my body for several hours every time I eat some eggs. I don’t mind when I’m not exhausted. When I’m super beat like today, it sounds like torture. I’m going to do it as quickly as I can tonight and then hop in the bath.
Bath night for sure.
Oh! After I went to the UW appointment, I realized I didn’t have time to go home before my therapy appointment at 5pm in Columbia City. I didn’t even bring one of my little protein drinks and I’m so tired of spending $5 on a stupid chai drink. I’ve been making tea at home and bringing it with me. PCC only charges a few bucks for hot chocolate so I went there before my other appointment.
I was surprised they only had one brand of “sipping” bone broth in the fridge section. The rest were frozen and too much liquid for me to risk eating/drinking before getting back in my car and sitting through an appointment (the last thing I want to do during therapy is spend my time in the bathroom).
So I asked one of the workers if they’d strain one of their soups. She said yes. But then she charged me for the strained food - which technically could have been eaten - maybe not by food service rules, but still technically edible. This would not have bothered me - I’m happy to pay my portion of things - but she didn’t even try to remove less of the chunks of veggies and beans so I ended up paying for her sloppy scoops. I asked for the straining favor hesitantly. It takes time for me to get comfortable to ask for these things. I think I come off sketchy when I’m hesitant. It was an uncomfortable feeling for sure. I try to be economical and I HATE wasting food - years in the culinary food makes this a sore point for me. Watching food get thrown away while so many people are hungry really, really frustrates me. Next time, I’ll ask if I can help with the scooping to minimize food waste. I’ll take it from that angle.
Then I had an almost two hour therapy appointment! We discussed all the ways that I need to work on separating childhood stuff from current stuff. It’s not such an easy thing to do, especially in the heat of the moment. But I’m determined to become truly differentiated and handle high level communication, even when I’m feeling emotional. Not an easy task for a hot-blooded woman who is hungry a lot of the time! However, age and life experience certainly make this easier as time goes on and I look forward to the challenge. I’ve been proud of the progress that I have made over the last year and a half. I love when my therapist reminds me of that progress - of course, I’m like a kid, eating up the validation. I’m doing good? We never get away from wanting validation, do we? Human need. I still have so much to learn though! But I try to be gentle with myself and give myself pats on the back for where I am. We are all works in progress as Sean Cadin says!
My main two goals right now are to improve communication and better express my emotions verbally. I feel like I lean too much on my sharing on the Internet. I already told the world X so that I don’t have to go through the awkward in-person conversation - legit for some things, other things, no, I have to suck it up and be a grown ass woman and be able to talk about it.
My goodness, I’m 100% confident this post needs major editing. Gotta get on the treadmill and work these eggs out of this body!!