My head is exploding 3.26.19

I get depressed at the fact that I rarely wear these shoes anymore. No boots for daily office work or flip flops for vacation. That dress on the end is far too big for me now but I keep it because I love it. I bought it on sale at Club Monaco when I was heavy after my melanoma surgeries in my leg and felt really good in it.

I get depressed at the fact that I rarely wear these shoes anymore. No boots for daily office work or flip flops for vacation. That dress on the end is far too big for me now but I keep it because I love it. I bought it on sale at Club Monaco when I was heavy after my melanoma surgeries in my leg and felt really good in it.

Every time I write in here, so much crazy shit happens in the hours after I post it that I can’t keep track of what I should write about the next day.

My dad hasn’t been doing well. He had a clot in his leg a few weeks ago. Then he had his lung aspirated last week - they removed 100 ccs of fluid which is a lot. My folks were going to attend a wedding in Arizona this weekend and I was going to have people over to the house. The had to cancel their trip last night and he is too sick for me to have people over to the house.

We just can’t risk having people bringing germs in the house. This is what my life has been reduced to. I managed to get to my improv class last night which was kind of a miracle. It was the first week of the new session and I was glad I went. I slept really well last night which is always a good sign. I rarely sleep well these days. I doubt anyone is sleeping well these days! Shit, world falling apart.

I’m just so tired of being hungry all of the time. It will drive you mad. I don’t even know how I’m managing any of this. I’ve had SO many medical issues and never been this scared. If i can’t find the right doctors in time…that means I’m going to end up with some bad complication that could have been prevented. It won’t even be cancer that gets me. It will be due to the broken medical system.

I’m calling in any favor I can at this point.

I wish I could convey the heartbreak it causes me to know people that I’ve known since childhood won’t help. It makes any heartbreak I’ve had in romantic situations pale in comparison. And I’ve had my heart broken pretty badly.

The pain has been so bad lately. The mottling isn’t improving from removing the heat from the hot water bottle. I’ve eaten only 2 eggs since Friday. I had to cut out a lot of the powders and supplements because I don’t know what’s causing the pain. Usually the pain improves if I cut out solid-ish food like eggs. The fact that it’s not improving…. I just don’t know.

I remember reading a blog of a cancer patient when I lived in Seattle. She was young. in her 30s? I doubt she made it. She was so sick.

Is that what will happen to me? I’ll post here every day until one day I won’t.

I just got a response from a very old friend - the doctor I’ve known since second grade - I knew he’d help. So interesting who is stepping forward and who is running away. I get it. I really do.

The clock keeps ticking. I have to figure shit out fast. I’m trying so hard to not be hard on myself about taking so long to focus on my case. There is no way I could have ignored the election last year. I can’t help myself.

I can’t help but speak out. I just can’t. But dang…if I’d used my “popularity” on social media last year to get more medical help. Now…people are pissed at me for discussing class. For rattling cages. For being an outspoken person. For suggesting wild and crazy things like curriculum updates and trainings.

The saddest part? I’m still worried about these people. That’s how codependent I am.

My body still hurts a lot lately. I don’t know what it’s about. I’m not looking forward to my 5pm today. I’m getting the needles in my stomach. If it can help increase the blood flow in my fucked up intestines than it’s worth the 20 minutes of intense pain. Fuck I hate that appointment. Which is why I stopped doing it!

I had so many things I wanted to write about yesterday and now I’m so tired, I can’t think straight.

I don’t know how I can keep doing this.

That thought always runs through my head but it’s stronger than it’s been in a long time. I can’t even concentrate enough to record a podcast. And I love recording my podcasts! I tried recording one yesterday and it turned out so shitty. I’ll be so upset if I can’t think straight enough to do that anymore.

I’ll get this back right? I can do this right? I write this as my eyes are closing and my fingers are tired of typing. How can typing be tiring.

I have to stop now.

much love,

jules