What keeps me going 3.16.19

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I’m struggling with a topic today so I asked my nephew what to write about and he said “what keeps you going.” He then said, “don’t focus on what’s hard for you, focus on what keeps you going.” And then totally deadpan, “and list me and my brothers first. Of course.” I put out my hand for a high five / fist bump, I’m proud to be your auntie acknowledgement and then took a photo of the face he was giving me.

What keeps me going:

The kids. Of course.

Hmmmm….let’s see…I can do this.

Great conversation! I just had an amazing chat with someone I’m going to interview on the podcast about the kink community which was super interesting.

Uhhhhhh….what else.

D came through for me again. He said “fighting for injustices. If you stop, then your enemies win.” (Apparently, this profound wisdom on social media. I was so proud and then he said that it was from social media. Well, at least they are getting some good data.)

OMG HOW DOES ANYONE WITH CHILDREN WRITE ANYTHING.

These guys are huge and I’m still distracted.

What else keeps me going.

People I love. People who are good to me.

I’ve decided to let go of people who don’t. Which seems like an obvious thing to do. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m particularly bad at focusing on things that are irritating me instead of letting it roll off my back. Always have. But I just don’t have the bandwidth anymore to give energy - even mental space - to people and things that are draining and ungiving.

Dang! Had I known how the world treated disabled and medically fragile…it’s hard not to get angry. It’s hard not to walk into the “bitter disabled” trope. I feel a lot of empathy now for women of color, having to toe the line so carefully lest they get labeled as “angry black woman.” My goodness. When your’e marginalized…. you can’t just go around doing and saying whatever you want. I was a fucking brat before and I accept that about myself. I’m STILL a brat. I deserve good healthcare. I deserve access to good doctors. Which I do believe. But for how many people is this still a pipe dream?

How much of how we are conditioned affects our way of coping and navigating the world?

I talk to the white dudes in my life and there is such a level of…certainty that things are the way they perceive them to be.

I actually feel bad for some of them - the good ones at least. I imagine that their world was like the Truman show this whole time. And now it’s all getting torn down. The ones who REALLY have let themselves remain clueless are going to have the toughest time.

Back to ME though. It’s a cursing and a blessing. I focus on others - and worry about them and want to care for them and take care of them - something so rewarded in our culture if you’re a woman.

I need to focus on ME. What keeps ME going.

I guess I could use some input from my writing prompt to stay on track.

From D: that you survived and kept going and you continue keep going.

I have survived and I keep going. That’s not a bad thing to focus on. How are kids so damn smart? Why are they so underestimated?

My head is so fuzzy. Been pushing too hard, but I get scared if I don’t keep getting up and moving, that bad things will happen.

Because bad things WILL happen if I don’t move. Like a shark. Gotta keep moving.

This post is weird. But that’s what I like about it. Knowing that nobody is reading it helps me just write whatever. Which is what I want it to be. So sick of the world caring about clicks, ads, money, followers, fame, blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

So tired of FAKE.

My life might be fucked up. I might share weird shit. But it’s real.

Much love,

Jules