I made some headway this week on the medical hunt. Of course, there is still so much to do. I don’t know why I’m still so nervous to post my medical case publicly. There’s nothing in there that I haven’t already shared. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the same reason I haven’t told people I’ve been writing in here. I’m enjoying last moments of feeling private.
I used to be SUCH a private person! My goodness. I looked very friendly and outgoing - and I am - but I was sly about not really letting people SEE me, the real me. We all do it to some extent - especially in this warped culture of ours where are not rewarded for being our unique selves.
It’s so maddening to watch the culture wars these days, knowing we are sliding downhill and there isn’t anything I can do to stem the damage - not while I”m so sick myself. So many good people aren’t going to make it through this next chapter.
It’s such a shitty feeling - to feel helpless. It’s so clear to me now why I ended up making the life choices I did. I had this determination in me to never end up helpless - THAT didn’t work. But I have this fucking Voice still. As long as my heart is still beating, I will holler.
My meals are looking more and more like a mad scientist experiment. I suppose that trope fits pretty well now for me. I did get some eggs in me the last few days - but not enough. I found this weird mottled redness on my belly last night that I’m trying to not freak out about. My frame has changed noticeably in the last few weeks.
My ass is gone. I actually liked my ass. I’m one of those rare people that don’t hate their bodies. Shhhh….I know it’s the weirdest thing to say on the Internet. Though, millennial women, THANK GOODNESS, don’t have issues with being self-confident or complimenting themselves. What a blessing.
Not being able to say nice things about oneself publicly without smirks and condemnation is sick and twisted.
Now when I share this kind of information on social media, I want to be mindful of young women who are impacted by body image and social media glamorizing thin bodies. I also want to be careful with the many people who struggle their weight and everything that goes with that.
I’m just so tired of people thinking it’s a good thing that I keep getting thinner and thinner.
Fuck man. I’d give just about anything to go out for a burrito, chips and margaritas this weekend. Casually toss food back without even thinking about it. Shit without thinking about it.
Oh what we take for granted in our lives, until it’s snatched away and we realize what we had, right in our hands but never truly appreciated it.
I’m scared. Definitely. I feel like the fact that my body is looking different reflects the fact that I really am not the same person anymore. So maybe it will be less of a mind fuck for me. It’s funny how we are so conditioned to dislike certain body parts if they don’t “look right.” And now? God, give me back my muffin top and my mushy upper arms and my big ole ass.
I knew this was coming, of course. There’s no way I could maintain the caloric needs for that other frame on the diet I’ve been on. Today, I have no appetite again. I ate a little yogurt last night along with some flax oil products that Megan brought over. It’s a really good idea for me to get those omega-3’s in me - but my GI is SO damn sensitive now, that I have to slowly introduce even the most mild supplements.
I don’t know if I can get up today but my back is finally not hurting so bad after spending those few days in bed. I can’t take the pain. I feel like I’m always having to trade in pain for rest. Or food for sleep. Or isolation for mental health boost.
I rarely get to do anything without sacrificing something else.
I don’t know how to manage it all sometimes. People wonder how I do it. I always tell them I don’t know how I do it either.
I suppose the desire to survive is stronger than the frustration that I face every day.
The boys are coming to stay with us for the weekend which always makes me a very happy camper. They bring me so much joy. So cliche and cheesy but they really do. I just like sitting next to them even when they’re looking at their stupid phones. How on earth is it going to be when J goes away to college. It’s not for another year and a half and I’m already worried about it! How do you let the babies live so far away? My goodness, I didn’t even birth them either and this is how I feel. Auntie was such a good decision for me. One of the few unconscious decisions I’ve made in my life that I’m 100% good with.
I need to shut my eyes. I feel like I always end my posts with that sentence.
Going to doze, old lady style of course.