I went to ER 3.11.19


I am not well. I have the flu - have for a few days. I’m so good at pushing through pain and feeling like shit, I overdid it on the weekend.

It’s hard for me to type. My eyes don’t want to stay open. But these are always the most interesting in my mind. When my body feels pinned down by a virus, pain, too little food, the most interesting thoughts come through. I rarely try to record in the moment. I want to try even if what I’m saying doesn’t make sense. Worthy experiment.

I’m getting nervous for sure. I haven’t eaten eggs in days. I tried the elemental nutrition powder yesterday and my stomach went a little bananas after. Could have been virus. Hard to say at this point. I usually don’t introduce multiple products at once. But it’s fairly crucial that I get as much in this body as possible.

So last night, I started having a coughing fit and was struggling to breathe. In my old life, I would have made some tea and gone to bed. But now, I get scared. I never know if something serious is going on. I don’t want to be stupid like I have in the past.

The ER ruled out anything dangerous which is a good thing. My body has been such a mess since California, better to get checked out (hey can I get my labs? I was in no shape to ask for those last night).

I’m trying to make sense here. Piece together concepts and a story. Not so easy.

Today, I sleep all day and my mom calls me in the afternoon. My dad was at an MRI appt and his leg was being funny (don’t ask me in what way, I don’t know those details yet) so the nurse said you need to go to ER and make sure it’s not a clot.

Well, turns out it WAS a clot. Now he is FINALLY on blood thinners which I’ve wanted him on for months. He should have been on them as soon as lung surgery was over. If he’d had them, he may have not had stroke. I realize there are downsides to being on them, but he’s a good candidate for them.

My poor parents. Two ER visits in 24 hours. Thankfully my dad is in ok health.

I can’t holler anymore. I need to be very, very careful about any kinds of activist posts, let alone projects. It’s super taxing on my body these days.

I’m more scared than I’ve been in awhile about my health. Probably the most scared I’ve been. I don’t have the reserves or nutrient storage to get through a period like this anymore. My body has had too many hits. I am so fucking lucky to have the friends I do. They are insisting I get IV bags and whatever I need. I’m so lucky. The world is so messed up. I should be able to get this through mainstream system, not beg and beg and beg for help to stay alive.

I need to move my body in order to eat. But I’m too weak now to move. So that means no food which makes me weaker. It’s a terrible cycle. It’s why I do make sure to maintain muscle and strength. I have to be as strong as I can possibly be given my circumstances. It’s one thing I can control in my unpredictable situation.

I guess I’m like a shark. Gotta keep moving. Otherwise….

So let’s hope I can get to my belly appt tomorrow. I don’t know if I will have the strength but I will try and drink my broth and protein powder. I’m working really hard to take in as many nutrients as I can tolerate.

Ok I must stop. My head hurts.

Not a very trippy or philosophical post. I know I’ll find it interesting later.

Sometimes I wonder if I really want to share that I’m writing here. It feels so good to write it just for me. To feel like I’m existing in the world and will continue to exist if I don’t make it. That soothes me.

Closing eyes.