I’m in the middle zone now. I fatigue easily and need to rest a lot but feeling better from the surgery (reached the 6 week mark!) and the nausea is much better from the first treatment. But I’m anticipating next week’s chemotherapy appointment and my hair is starting to thin. I’m not super sick right now but I’m not a healthy person either, the middle zone. I don’t look sick either which is even more confusing, for me and everyone else.
I feel strong, I feel weak.
I want to go be outside with the people, I want to hide in my bedroom.
I want to engage with the world and email people back but don’t know what to say, I want to lose myself in a novel or movie.
I want to start a zillion projects and get work done, I want to sleep all day.
I want to shave my head now and get it over with, I want to keep my hair for as long as possible.
I want to feel grateful for so many things, I need to feel the pain.
I want, I want, I want, I want to wake up and have it be September 1, 2014.
It’s such an odd experience, the middle zone. I’m trying to stay in the present and roll with my feelings while staying positive. A delicate balance for sure.
While stuck out here in no man’s CancerLand, my hair is starting to thin. I thought I’d be prepared to find so many hairs on my pillow but I didn’t anticipate feeling like a deer-in-headlight: The HOLY CRAP IT’S HAPPENING.
The post I really wanted to do this week was about feeling grateful. I met other cancer patients on Monday at a yoga class at the Moores Cancer Center and man, my journey sounds like a piece of cake! Well, no one else has three cancers at once but some of them have gone through chemo for YEARS. They were incredibly insightful and shared all kinds of resources with me – which is why I went to the class. Felt good to speak with them.
So, I’ll end this with a list of what I’m grateful for: catching the cancers, how well I’m healing, my family and my friends for taking such good care of me, my support network, all the people praying for me, all the people who donated, the excellent care I’m getting at UCSD, health insurance (thank G-D for that), my strength going into this thing, my lovely apartment, the California sunshine, my nutritionist colleagues who are advising me, the fact that I found the ONLY wigmaker in the U.S. that makes them from your own hair, the Internet – learning how to create eyebrows from YouTube! All my Facebook peeps rooting for me from around the world!
I’m going to keep thinking about my Grateful List because the reality is that despite the crap situation I’m in, I could not have better luck right now. I may be a bald lucky person going through chemotherapy but still incredibly fortunate, nonetheless. I can do this.