I keep writing these positive blog posts in my mind, especially earlier this week when I was feeling GOOOOOD. I had four days in a row of feeling positive and physically stronger! Man, it felt awesome. I was going to write about staying positive during crisis. I managed to stay Zen when I found out that my new insurance, Blue Shield of California wasn’t covered at UCSD. Okay, that’s not true. I was really upset last Friday until I went to my acupuncturist who was incredibly reassuring. She suggested that the reason my insurance wasn’t working was because I was supposed to go to a new doctor. As soon as she said it, I knew she was right and then I felt Zen. Ha! Didn’t last long.
I met my new doctor at Scripps – who I really like but she gave me some heavy news. Super modern doc: gave me info and then asked me what I wanted to do (yes, I’m capable of making decisions regarding MY body, thank you). She also shared details about the ovarian cancer which I appreciate learning – but it was very intense. It’s a rare, aggressive clear-cell type which they don’t have a ton of data on. They aren’t positive which chemo drugs are best because it’s rare. Woah. I know this may sound strange but it never occurred to me that this could kill me. Perhaps my brain just couldn’t handle that possibility until now. Or, maybe I thought that the Stage 2 meant I was safe. My surgeon did not remove lymph nodes which would indicate whether it was Stage 3 or not. Maybe that would have changed my perception of how much danger I’m in. I don’t know.
Well, you can imagine my Zen mindset went out the window after THAT meeting. I kept it together in the consult but broke down crying in the car. I keep forgetting that I must ALWAYS bring someone with me to these appointments. But I thought I’d already heard all the bad news I could hear! She had posters on her wall about Lynch Syndrome which scared the crap out of me. The only reassuring details were the low percentages next to the long list after the four main ones – Lynch patients have 80% chance of colon cancer, 12% of ovarian, stomach and endometrial are high percentages and the rest are below 7%. Still. I won’t share the list with you since my posts are already such a buzz kill. Keep intermarrying, people! Mix those genes up!
Then I remind myself that I have a lot of things going for me: I’m in one of the BEST areas of the WORLD for medical care. I have a LOT of resources for nutrition and alternative medicine. We may have shit genes in my family but we have hearty Mediterranean constitutions to combat them. I must keep picturing myself healthy like I did when I had the ulcerative colitis. Will myself healthy.
My outlook has changed a lot – let’s get that chemo in my body and kill these buggers off! I don’t want those aggressive little f#&*(% floating around my body. It’s not my time to go – not now and not any time soon. I plan on kicking around this planet for many more decades. Still. Scary as hell to hear this information. It’s our worst nightmare, right? What I’m going through is what we all dread. Keeping it together as much as possible and enjoying my last days of normalcy. I can do this.